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Gagsy
[Touch Me And I Feel On Fire]

Age 36, Female

Workaholic

Kent, England

Joined on 5/21/06

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Gagsy's News

Posted by Gagsy - March 8th, 2009


I fucking hate life. No I'm not about to kill myself, no I'm not going to cut myself or engage in any other type of self abuse.

I just really can't stand life. Living it is horrible, then the dying part is just like adding insult to injury. I don't want to die, it scares me more than anything, but then I'm not enjoying life much either.

I'm 21 yet I live like I'm 80. I can't recall happy childhood memories that I'd wish to tell people, I can't remember when I was last truly happy. Yet, let's say I do live to 80, then I've wasted 1/4, 25% of my life, I have nothing to show for it whatsoever, not even happy memories. I'd truly just living till I die.

Depressed? No. Happy? No. I think I've been whatever I am for so long that it's just second nature to me. When people ask me if I'm depressed, I feel startled then I smile, perhaps give a little believable laugh then say no. When people ask me if I'm happy, I feel startled then I smile, perhaps give a little believable laugh then say yes. The problem is, I don't actually think about the questions as they are being asked, just give the answer that stops more questions, stop advice being given when I don't want it, stop people meddling I suppose.

So yeah I hate change. My dad is nearly bankrupt, mum is in severe debt and he doesn't love her anymore. The most likely scenario there is them selling the house they've lived in for 23 years, then paying off the money they owe, my dad then moving to a flat on his own and then my mum moving in with her mum. My brother Daniel and I who currently still live with them both will obviously have to go too.

Dan is sick of everything (his own words). He knows his girlfriend doesn't love him as much as he loves her, and while she is sick at the moment she is bringing him down too. She doesn't feel motivated to enjoy life where as he's one of the most happy go lucky guys you could meet. He also has like £7000 debt he told me. How I don't know, he got silly it seems. So he wants to declare himself bankrupt, then just get a plane ticket and go to Spain. He just wants to get a bar job or something, and then spend his days off lounging in the sun. Fair enough to him, but that'll just be another crack in this unstable family.

Carl the other brother (the one who had baby Oliver) is currently living with his girlfriend. He's another one getting screwed on money he owes. Thankfully his girlfriend, well fiance is helping him with his finances a lot but whether they make it as a couple is another issue. He'll always be the jealous lover. She can't mention old loves without him losing his cool, but then she is the same about him. My brother seems to have that affect on every girl he's ever dated - They all turn into crazy jealous emotionally charged idiots. I just hope they can last, because if they break up it'll mean trouble for Carl again who'll just spend all his earnings on gambling and also for little Oliver who'll have parents who hate each other.

Then me. What about me. My one concern will be - Not getting rid of the dog no matter what - So then if my parents sell the house I'd no doubt go with my mum to nans place. My nan wouldn't be too thrilled about having a dog there but what else could I do? And it'd kill me, literally kill me not to be living with my dad, but what place is a flat for a dog? And how could I leave my mum when she is the one who doesn't want to split up? I'd be rough for her so she'd need the support. I'm not gonna lie though, I do love my dad more than I love my mum. It doesn't mean that I dislike my mum any (except when she's drunk), just that the love I hold for my dad is that high. Daddies little girl forever. And not seeing him, talking to him everyday would be crushing for me. I did say I hate change, and this is one reason why.

Get my own place? Rent a house with a garden for the dog? I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to afford it and I wouldn't know anymore who I would live with. Friends are few and far between for me. I can't just pick up a phone and see if a mate wants to get a place together.

But then that's my own fault. I chose to have the social life that I do. I chose to stop contacting people and replying to them when they got in contact with me. My own doing. The way I am, I'm an easy person to like. Not because I think I'm so great, but I just seem to have a gift for knowing what people want to hear, how to respond to different people, how to act in different situations with different people. I could and used to be a popular child, a popular teen, then I fell apart, and my three best friends had enough of my seemingly uninterest in everything, they walked away from a friend who was broken, a friend who didn't know she was broken. If I didn't know I was unhappy that much how could they have known? I can't blame them too much, but I can't say it hasn't affected my trust issues, even to this day.

So back then when I was abandoned, I somehow got through my last year of school, head down, I stopped playing up in class so much, but I stopped going in as much at the same time. Got shockingly bad results in my GCSEs (exams). I managed to do a GVNQ course in Sixth Form there though. Very small class, so we all got on, made plans and were friends. But then once I left I stopped keeping in contact, only keep in touch with Yasmin as she usually contacts me, and she's so bubbly and nice that it's hard to want to blow her off. I like being her friend.

Work for a bit, then I decided to go to college, do an animal care course. I only lasted one year - I couldn't keep up with the coursework, I didn't even try to though, and amazingly it never bothered me that I was going to fail. Made a good group of friends there, but once again didn't keep up with them. Me and one of the girls called Claire usually text each other on sundays when we're both working, but that's it. I don't ask to go out with her and them and she doesn't ask me either. Just how it is really.

My main interest currently in life seems to be B/Ping here. I WISH I was making that up. I barely get 5/6 hours sleep a night just because I don't want to miss those points. But then if it wasn't my B/P I'd just be doing the same with posting, which thankfully has gone down, but this is it now. Newgrounds has become my life. Isn't that fucking sad? I hate myself more so just for giving in to this site and it's meaningless stats that I just can't seem to get enough of. I've recently been thinking about requesting a 30 day ban, but I did always despise people who did that though - Thinking that they had no willpower if they needed bans to make them do something they've been putting off, but as I said my posting rate has gone down. It's the B/P rate I'm worried about. Newgrounds is no way the cause of my problems, but my addiction here certainly has hindered any form of recovery I want to make in my personal life.

Love? Furthest thing from my mind. Sex? Romance? Likewise. Of course I get lonely at times, who wouldn't, but I never really felt like I needed a partner. I have fantasies, who doesn't, but I'm used to living in my head so that's where everything remains. I just can't be happy with myself, so I refuse to accept that a partner could be happy with me, even when they say they are. I had a boyfriend who loved me, and I was sure that I loved him, I just couldn't feel anything for him when we hugged and kissed. Even when he looked at me with a big sloppy grin and eyes wet with emotion I couldn't feel it. So I broke it off, it would have been wrong to string him along, and I just knew that my feelings wouldn't change. Besides him, every single guy who has asked me out I've said no to, and considering how grotesque I am that number isn't too shabby. Once again, like when people ask me if I'm happy, I don't consider the question, I just give the answer. I say no to them, and don't think more about it. I guess I just know that they could do better than me. Who'd want me? I wouldn't.

I'm horribly fat. No new news there, but still it's there. Never going, no matter how much I've tried in the past. I will try again, but I make no promises to myself. I just can't seem to lose any weight. And this really is the stem of a lot of my personal issues. I feel that if I lose weight, I can be happier with myself, and be more outgoing, so I could be more social, I could have myself some passion, be a genuinely happy person, but it's just about getting over that hurdle, I can't do it.

I'll probably die a lonely horrible person. I have this one shot of life and I'm completely blowing it, blown it I'd go as far to say. Most people look back on their teens, early adulthood as their happiest times but I still have nothing to show, and I can't go back in time. It does make the future look even bleaker for me.

So no money, no unite family, no friends, no love, no happiness.

Good fucking job there Leanne.


Posted by Gagsy - February 11th, 2009


And I shall tell no lies.

One question per user, no alts allowed.

Let's see if I can deal with it or whether one of you gets the best of me and asks me something that I won't answer.

All answers will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but truth.


Posted by Gagsy - January 8th, 2009


One day, don't know when, just know that one day I won't come to Newgrounds anymore (obviously), and I'm sure when that day comes, the day that I'm no longer depositing, no longer posting, no longer caring, no longer here, I will regret all the time that I've spent on here -

Time I could have used much more wisely. I could have studied properly in college for example and still be there, instead of dropping out because I didn't do my assignments; Time I could have put into getting fit, into socialising more, learning an instrument, spending more time with the people I love, the list could really be endless.

So yes when that day comes and I start to regret the wasted time, I know I'll have one thing that Newgrounds gave me that made it all worth it, and that is my friendship with Mechabloby. I can't praise him enough really so I won't start, I probably couldn't love and care for him more either. People always look down on internet socialising, it really isn't ideal, I agree, but never in my 21 years have I met or will I meet a better friend than I've found here online in Mechabloby.

Oliver, you're worth all this wasted time. Now fuck up my lovely blog with a sarcastic joke you tit <3

Also;

I'D NEED TO BE REALLY FUCKING DRUNK.

Because I'm feeling emotional


Posted by Gagsy - November 7th, 2008


So I just had a werid dream, one that makes me think.

It was quite a long one, started off at one scenario then moved on, for once I remained the same person though, started with some kids getting into our house and my parents letting them come back, then I was babysitting my nephew, after he fell asleep the dreams progressed.

I attended this show with a lot of people I knew from various places plus people I didn't know to make up numbers I guess. Anyway the show started, the crowd (us) all young were excited and jumping about. So the host comes on, some grey-haired suited man and he starts talking about the shows story tonight or something.

Anyway, he points to this girl and she jumps about waving and then he reads out her story or something (I can't remember names now, I'm just getting this dream down before it all slipped from my mind) - Well this girl is in love with her best friend, has been for a while but her best friend has only even been in love with ME.

So once the host mentioned this they get the spotlights on us three, at this point she's next to her best friend. (and maybe symbolically I was on another stand not with them and my stand was lower down). So the best friend, the guy is like shocked, and the hosts asks him if it's true that he loves me, he says yes, and then they ask me if I knew this, I said yes, and then asked if I turned him down, I said yes.

So my part was played and the crowd are all cheering at them now. I didn't return his feelings so maybe he could returns hers. The show ended with the guy still confused. I remember feeling uneasy in the dream, like when it's dark and you're going down the stairs and you forget there is a last step and for that second it feels like you're falling just before your foot hits the floor.

So anyway, dream is still going on, suddenly I'm at work, but working from home, various dream stuff happens then all of a sudden the guy comes to the window with his mate and they want a taxi, I say ok, sort it out, then I ask him if he's going to give it a try a relationship with her - He smiled a genuine happy smile and said yes. It's funny how a dream with people you don't know can make you feel so empty.

At that point I think my dream self was going to attempt to change the past (Heroes style) because I wanted to be with him now. I woke up before long though, glad I did - People were onto me.

So yeah when I woke up, I knew what it what about, like some beacon had just been switched on in my mind.

It was about how I don't take people seriously when they like me, how I brush off their attraction as a joke or laugh simply because I don't like me, and then realising how bad I feel to know when they go on and get someone else - The old, 'That could have been me' deal. Perhaps when and if someone likes me again, I should listen to them, believe them, not just automatically turn them down, like I have always seem to do. Because it's very fucking lonely when that happens, and I'm amazed that the dream had gotten those feelings out of me, obviously this problem was buried deep in the mind somewhere, just waiting to be analyzed.

The problem is though; Can I believe them? What can someone else like about you if you can't find a single thing about yourself to like?


Posted by Gagsy - September 12th, 2008


Aren't they a lot of work?

My mum for instance has developed quite a big bingo addiction - my dad quizzed her about what she is spending her wages on (she's always skint), and she admitted that it's all going on online bingo. It's mental - I checked her account on gala myself and one night she put £80 in, got £16 back through two small wins I think, but she still bet all that away. She said to my dad that she won't go on them again but she already has.

My brother Carl is like the complete opposite to me - Well we're both emotional but in two different ways. Emotional for me usually means sadness, for Carl it only means anger. He has a severe temper and I've warned him before that he'll lose everything if he isn't careful, I even told him that I hoped little Oliver didn't turn into him at one point. For example he was round ours today picking up Oliver and then he looked for his wallet which his girlfriend had supposedly put in a carrier bag for him, yet he couldn't find it, all he would say is "I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL HER, SHE'S FUCKING USELESS", and stormed about the house looking for it, all while Oliver could hear the shouting and swearing. Guess what, he found the wallet outside our house, HE dropped it. Overreaction much? He'll likely have a heart attack in his 30's.

My other brother Daniel, bless him, great guy really, just unlucky. His girlfriend (the first girl he ever has really loved) has cancer of the ovaries and basically she needs to have them taken out, but at the moment she is refusing, she says "Without my ovaries, they may as well kill me" - Obviously she wanted to have kids someday and Dan would make a fantastic father too. So I believe right now she is just refusing, but without them taken out she will only have a year left to live, and she blindly won't let my brother help much thinking it's just her problem and I don't think she's up for sterilizing eggs and such.

My dad - the other unlucky one, he likes a bet as well, not as addicted though as mum and Carl can be, but he does have a bet everyday. Well he couldn't really afford to put a bet on the other day, yet he still picked out three horses he would have put into a bet called a Lucky Fifteen (basically it's hard to explain, but you pick 4 horses, they don't all have to win, if each wins, the odds they win at are multiplied somehow and you make money that way then by doing the horses as single bets - You just pay more for the bet). Well yeah, the 3 horses he picked out won, he had no idea if he would have had a winner or loser as the 4th horse, but with those 3 alone he would have won easily over a grand.. Naturally he didn't work out how much he should have won, he felt sick enough as it was.

And I must be somewhere between the two extremes that the rest of my family are - Idiotic and unlucky - Me in a nutshell.

Yess we all gamble in this house - my mum and dad met in a betting shop, my dad owned one for several years, he can control how much he does, mum can't with bingo, and my brother Carl can't at all. Dan doesn't gamble too much and I myself like a game of cards on the quiet.

Anyway, to help Carl stop gambling as well I offered to buy his laptop off him - I don't really want it, though I do need one, it's just to help him so he can't sit at home and look at betting sites, offered him a decent price of £250 and he has now accepted. The things I do for my family eh? I could really use that money to just save but despite the annoyance I love my family very much, and I don't want him to ruin his relationship because of his anger. There's a baby to think about there.

So yeah I'M GETTING A LAPTOP - ONLY A FEW MONTHS OLD REALLY, WHAT'S GOOD STUFF TO DOWNLOAD/USE GUYS?

Also, Vista or XP? It has Vista, but I may downgrade thanks to a guy I know at work, any opinions?


Posted by Gagsy - December 2nd, 2007


So yesterday morning about 7am my one remaining hamster died, it was a sad event very much like the time his brother died. Both seem to have had some kind of scent gland infection which both times I failed to notice until both hamsters lay dying quietly.

I feel rotten about that.

I'm glad that when both did die I was there with them, I know they're only hamsters and as such probably wouldn't even of noticed, but it makes me feel better that I was there for them and there for myself. If both times it happened I awoke to find them dead it would hurt me more I think. I was there with them, stroking them gently, urging them to fight on secretly. Of course each time the battle was too much, their scent glands had already seemed to leak some wet kind of nastiness. Of course each time had I noticed earlier I could have two hamsters still.

The first one, Sheva's (yes that was his name) was only about 4 months old when he passed on and Petr was 8 months old about when he died. Russian hamsters usually live to 1 years and 1/2 to 2 years. So I am gutted about this.

As children me and my brother's had many of these types of hamsters and as far as I can remember none of them died this way, maybe it was actually something genetic or maybe it was bad pet ownership on my part, I'm just sad that I had to lose them when I did.

It got me thinking. Why do I do it? Why do I get pets when I can't handle their deaths, when I love them so much that the grief that overcomes me is more than I can shed for many humans in my life, when I already am an over-emotional twit?

I found the answer quite easy though. I do it for them, for the animals, to give them a life, a good life they may not get elsewhere. Even though it pains me so much when they die, the memories of good times overshadow the deaths (why can't we do this more for human deaths?). I will always have pets in my life, I would have more if my mother permitted it, and I would have even more if I didn't have such big issues with animals being in cages. Yes that can be seem as hypocritical as I had two hamsters who did live in a cage.

It was an impulsive buy when I got them and I got them the biggest cage I could at the pet shop (two floors) and made sure to fill it with many tunnels/tubes and just weird creative things for them. Which was much more than they would of gotten with some 10 year old, and I guarantee they got more attention from me than a kid could ever give them. I never lost interest in them.

So my only problem now is, what do I do? I said I would get more hamsters when they both did die, but do I want to have something that is caged again?

I want to do something for them too, they are both buried in the garden, close to each other with a tree stump between them. Probably how they would like it, as Petr was a bully more than a few times to poor little Sheva's. I marked the dirt with a large pebble for both 'graves', I may plant seeds over them in the Spring, just as a gesture to them. I'm sure people may find this over the top, but I do feel as though I have failed them both really, they both shouldn't of died the way they did.

(If you think that's crazy, after my last hamster Chelsea died, I felt so guilty for not noticing her dead body earlier and the fact that I hadn't interacted with her for a day maybe two that I gave up eating meat for her, as a tribute.)

So now to pictures of them. Sadly I only have one of Sheva's on his own, as I only had him 3 and a half months I didn't get the chance to do many =(

Quality of pictures is shit.

Sheva's (The grey) and Petr (The white) doing what they do best - eat

Best I could ever get of them together without them being in the food bowl.

Birds eye view of their favourite spot

Sheva's

Petr eating

Petr eating again

Petr eating some more

The big cage

R.I.P Sheva's - Died 15th July 2007
R.I.P Petr - Died 1st December 2007

So goodbye Petr the hamster, who I used to call "My little pretty boy", I hope you and your brother are fighting each other somewhere, anywhere, together. <3

TL;DR? If that is the case for some of you then fuck you, you insensitive cunts.

Hamster less