The temptation to leave this life behind gets harder to deny sometimes.
Don't worry (or don't break open the champagne yet), I'm not going anyway just yet.
It just seems to dawn on me more and more and more that I just can never get a break. I'm beyond running on empty now. It feels like there is nothing left to give, nothing left to muster up. Just nothing.
I feel tired of everything. Every moment I'm awake I want to be sleeping, I want to just stop, even though I've already stopped.
Whenever I do try, I fail. This isn't an illusion or me just focusing on the bad. Literally I fail at every single thing I try. I'm natures loser and this does take it's toll on me, because when I want to try again I have no memories of times when me trying has paid off so I have no fight, no desire.
I get stressed these days almost painfully quickly. In real life it takes mere moments before I want to swear and shout or cry just because of some simple annoyances. Everything seems to aggravate me, and no less than my own family.
The ones who I love above all others are also the ones who make me fall apart in seconds.
My family has all but fallen apart and it feels that it's me there at the bottom just trying to hold the seams together. What with a depressive (more than me) dad who appears to want to kill himself, to my mother who has a gambling problem heightened worse when she drinks once or twice a week and turns into a complete emotional wreck, who's favourite phrase between sobbing and drinking is "I hope I die in my sleep tonight". To my selfish brothers who only call our parents and me when they want something (usually money). It's alright for them having got out. They don't have to deal with our parents as much because they got their own partners. It's ok to let Leanne sort things out because she has no one.
Money. Money is such an issue with my family because none of us appear to have any. 5 working adults, 5 struggling working adults. I see people on handouts better off than we are. Our crime? Not going on the dole I suspect. I want to move out, I crave it more than anything else. I'm tied down though. To me dog who I won't make live in a flat, especially when I'd need to work more to afford my own place, and to my mum. Her sons moved out one by one, her marriage fell apart, so her beloved moved out and moving on is something she doesn't even want to do, not without my dad.
Perhaps I am somewhat selfish wanting to get away from her but no one realises what I have to put up with here. The harsh cruel words put upon me from her drunken mouth. I need to move away before the memory of my mother just becomes a negative one.
And how can you help someone who doesn't want help? Or denies a problem? I ask her about her drinking when she is sober and she basically ignores the question or the comment I give her. I just don't understand why someone continues to binge drink when it clearly puts them in a worse state.
My point, again lost somewhere in the ramblings of my broken life. I don't know.
I have 5 days off work starting tomorrow (hooray holiday pay). I shall sleep finally and just do what I love most - keeping to myself, relaxing, down time.
Trying not to allow the world to suffocate me further, to cause me further grief, suffering and rage.
: Loss cause coming through.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
if I die before I wake,
I pray for God my soul to take.
Addict
IF you grew a mustache you would look like John Holmes.