When the General Regulars Lounge (lol) was still open, I decided to add to it properly, even though it's demise would always on the horizon. I got typing about myself and didn't stop. A lot of what I put most people on here may know about anyway, but if you want the scoop on my life and have the patience to read a load of waffle then here you go. This was my exact post in the thread;
______________________________________
___

sigh

Hello there I am Gagsy, my name is Leanne. Yes, I really am a girl, or a mockery of one anyway. I am 22 years old. I still live at home with my folks, too expensive too move out. I have a semi dead end job, that I dislike with a passion but I'm fucking excellent at it. Tedious to say the least.

You may know me as a post/stat whore. I guess I am somewhat, even though my posting habit has died down a lot. This is likely due to my continuous usage of the Stickam chatrooms. Which I find a better way to chat with Newgrounders.

My parents are getting divorced. My father has a girlfriend and hes cheated on my mum more times than I'd like to know. He went from being my idol and real life hero to a man I can't even look at. Not just due to him cheating on my mother, he has said some horrible things to me that has dented my already fragile state of mind. I won't bore with the details.

I'm very pessimistic on my own outlook but horribly positive for everyone else. I hold no value over my own life, and have already come to the conclusion that my death will likely happen needlessly. Perhaps die at the hands of a would be thief after I refuse to hand them my goods and they stab me or something. Good way to die in my opinion.

But on the other hand I'm terrified of dying. This is due to my lack of belief in faith, in a God, in a heaven. I don't believe in an afterlife (though I do believe in ghosts - Don't ask me to explain them, I can't). The idea of there being nothing when we die scares me a lot, but I can't change the fact that I will die, as will everyone I've ever known.

I don't believe in a lot of things. The latest thing I can't believe in is a happy marriage. I don't think human males are designed to be the sticking around kind. In nature certain animal dads stick around, mate for life maybe, others do the deed then disappear. I think we are more the latter than the former.

I generally hold more regard for animals than I do humans. I think we humans are vermin on the earth, overpopulating, polluting, causing extinction to other creatures. The fact that the world would do better from human extinction tells me we are the evil ones. So I hate people who don't have a shred of compassion towards other animals.

The two things I care about most in the world are my dog Frankie and my nephew Oliver. Both are the only things on this planet that get me generally smiling and forgetting my woes. I'd be lost without either.

I'm not very social, my own fault. I lose contact with friends and make no effect to get back with them. I don't care really, I only feel bad about it because others make me feel bad about it - Make me feel like I'm losing out. I very likely am, but.. I don't know, I just find idle chit-chat and false niceness horrible. Despite this fact, I find I can be a very easy person to like. I know how to make friends very well. I know just by looking at something and talking to them what a minute what they would want in a friend like me. I could be a fucking social friendship queen or some shit but I don't want to. One of the reasons I don't think I want to be social is due to my past friends. The ones I had from like age 9-14. My best friend Tessa, she was like a bitch basically. I was her little lackey. She used to say what we'd do, when we'd do it and how we'd do it. I had no control in my friendship with her and our other friends. I was their sheep, I followed. And it fucking depressed me.

I didn't realise when I was 14 that I was depressed. To be honest, depression wasn't really talked about much in kids then, not where I was anyway, and I was slowly spiraling down that road. I would vision myself jumping in front of vehicles all the time and had no idea why. One night me and my friends were drinking and I was out of control. I downed like a whole bottle of vodka in like 30 minutes, shot after shot. I still don't remember that night, but apparently I got racist, was throwing bottles at them, cried, told them how much I hated them and was generally horrible. I wish I could remember. Anyway, after that our friendship was dented badly. I stopped going to school so much and being chatty with them, even though we still hung out. I was sad, so fucking sad all the time and didn't realise it. Eventually they had enough and told me not to sit with them, so I didn't, and the friendship was over. And a lot of my trust in friendships died there. I was depressed, suicidally on some levels and my friends didn't try to help me, just turned their backs on me like that. It still hurts now, 8 years later.

Anyway, back to the now. One of the reasons I'm sure I am liked is due to my caring for others. Of course I have to know them first a little. I find it hard to feel sympathy for people I don't know, but people I do know? I love to help them. I do everything in my power to make others happy. It's probably selfish really, but their happiness turns into my happiness. I love helping people. No one needs to feel like I do.

In case you don't know I am obese. The only time I was skinny was when I was like 3, from then on I've just got bigger and bigger. Of course I've tried losing weight. I really don't know how to. It doesn't seem to go, and I know it's a terrible excuse but I have a horrible metabolism. I don't actually eat that much. Exercise is likely my let down, but I have no intention of joining a gym and letting people see my sweat only a fucking bike machine. I've toyed with the idea of getting a treadmill when I do move home, but we'll see I suppose.

My sexuality is a big question mark. My eyes wander more to women. It takes a very good looking man to turn my head. I guess I find both sexes attractive, but I'd like to try relationships with both and see how they go. Problem is, I hate relationships. I've turned down the chances for romance more times than I probably do realise. I think until I am more happy about myself I can't be with anyone. Which is downer but I'm just not comfortable having someone special. The fact that my most erotic of dreams has featured women tells me who I'd prefer to have a relationship with.

I'm probably very depressed. If I spoke to my doctor about how I feel all the time, she'd likely dose me up and every anti-depressant going. Sure it's tempting but I don't know. I think I'm just used to it now, as I can't remember when I was ever truly happy.

There are parts of my childhood that stemmed in abuse. I won't go into detail here. I just now realise what a fucked up child I was to want something dirty and wrong, and no doubt that haven't helped my state of mind any.

Anyway;

I have much too much time on my hands and I haunt NG for what feels like every waking moment. Certainly always do at work, and usually most of the time I'm at home. It's bad I know, but I have nothing else.

Why am I sharing so much? Fuck if I know. Just got typing and this is what happened. If anyone reads this, I'll be fucking amazed. Hi there.

So yes Newground Regulars this is me, this is Gagsy. I'm a mess and I feel at home here. Feel free to laugh or cry at me. Neither would surprise me.

Happy posting or not as the case may be.

<3
_______________________

I was low when I wrote that. Better now.

Also I ordered myself a new laptop, it's fucking well nice. Can't wait for it.