Sometime early last year I started a Weight Diary and I'd done really well losing weight and generally getting fitter. I hit a dip of form towards the latter of the year due to poor motivation so stopped updating then things really took a tumble during December.
I'm here to continue though from where I left off with hopefully positive results. I was unsure how to do this new diary as I can't just start over and ignore the good work I'd done but also there was a huge gap of inactivity that I need to take account for. So I will drop the 'week 1, week 2, etc' business.
5th February: Weight loss - 2 1/2 lbs
12th February: Weight loss - 1 1/2 lbs
19th February: Weight loss - 0 lbs
26th February: Weight loss - 1 1/2 lbs
5th March: Weight loss - 2 lbs
19th March: Weight gain - 2lbs
Total Weight loss so far: 61 1/2 lbs
I never went the week before because we had some terrible snow here and I didn't much want to venture out in it, I don't imagine I lost that week anyway. This week I'm going to blame this on 'womens issues'. Because in cause you manly men did not know women retain more water during their monthly visit and when I visited the scales tonight I was in full flow sort of speak.
Better luck next week hopefully.
From Callum to Harry to Oliver to Frankie.
Its been 2 months since I lost my dog and besides still missing her its made me realise just how lonely I truly am.
Lets backtrack a bit.
(Warning long unnecessary details about my teenage years ahead. If you read this all you're a saint and a fool.)
I got my dog when I was 16 which was about a year after I lost my closest friends (stop me if you've heard this one before..) I lost them because I was suffering from depression and hadn't realised it. I became withdrawn around them and even more after a bad drunken incident which unfortunately our friendship could not recover from. I say 'unfortunately' but I realised later on that I was better off without them. They could not see that I was suffering alone, didn't try to help me, just cut me off and while the sting of their actions still hurts even now sometimes, I feel better without those particular girls in my life.
The problem though was that it made me mistrust people somewhat.
I was in Sixth Form when I was 16 and I made friends in my class no problem, but I only stayed a year and once I left I just naturally lost touch with the friends I made. I felt no real reason to bother trying to stay friends with them.
It probably didn't help that at that time I was getting quite heavily into the internet. Our family got its first laptop when I was 15 and since I lost my close childhood friends I had discovered the joys of talking to people online. It was a different kind of world, one that I could (can) hide behind of. I lied about who I was to begin with for some reason I do not truly know but I still got close to people over the net, closer than I maybe ever really had before in real life and this probably ruined how I sought social interaction so that when I made friends in real life I just didn't feel much beyond being a casual acquaintance.
So In the meantime I had this little puppy. This little dog that I'd wanted for years. Sure she was never meant to actually be MINE, more a family dog, one I think my dad thought he'd be the 'master' of. That was never going to happen though. I picked her from her litter, I named her, from that day we got her I coddled her, I literally held her the entire journey home. And so as soon as she was old enough to be trusted around the house she would follow me. My dad would walk her every morning and she loved those walks, cherished them, but the moment she was home the first place she would go would be to my room, just to make sure I was still there. This is a trend she carried on up until her death. If my mum or anyone took her out, once she was back she'd be straight upstairs to find me. If I wasn't in my room then she'd go searching for me.
We became each others constants.
And people can argue that we force this life on the dogs, that they'd be gone from our sights if they really could, and whatever, but I never asked for my dog to love me back. She appreciated that I was the one who fed her, walked her, played with her, gave her treats but I was also the one who had to be cruel, had to bathe her, had to scold her, had to take her to the mean vets. Despite that, to say we bonded is an understatement. I treated her like a normal woman would a child and she treated me as whatever it is dogs seem to cherish and adore to be around.
I went to college, made friends. I make friends. its something that I've never actually struggled with. Its as if I have this weird ability to read people, or to know what they want in a friend. I guess it could be a form of manipulation? I just know how to be a good friend to people even if my heart isn't really into it. So yeah I went to college for a year and made friends. Once I left the same thing happened. I just lost contact with the people I had befriended. I think I went to visit them the next year when they were back for their second year but that was it. Now I just randomly like a few things on a few facebooks of theirs.
But this is what I do. Life forces me in social settings and I make friends, then life pulls me away from these settings and I just lose interest in maintaining any friendships I made during that time.
Someone on here hit the nail on the head really when he said to me;
"I don't get why you're so lonely. Not lonely, but you choose to be alone"
And its so desperately the truth. I do choose to be alone and before I could justify it because while I had a lack of interest in people, I put all my love into this dog (bestiality joke??? no). I confided in her, I enjoyed my time with her, trusted her, understood her. And those are all things that friendship is about. I got/get social interaction from people over the net and then put all the physical aspects of friendship onto my dog.
Now she's gone and I kinda have nothing. I have family in my life who I love and who love me but who I don't wish to talk to properly about things. Could I tell them any of this? No. Do I want to more importantly? No, never.
And people will forever underestimate how important a pet can be to a person. Perhaps though my dog was too important to me. I did put her on a pedestal really but I wouldn't change that. My only regret actually now is that I didn't cherish her enough. That there were days when I didn't take her for walks because I couldn't be bothered and thats mainly what she loved to do, be out walking and especially with me. Never will I forget when a woman in the park many years ago once said to me that she would see my dad walking the dog and yet the dog looked much happier when she was out with me. Never forget that. And I hate that I didn't give her more walks, hate that we didn't explore the area more, hate that on her last day she couldn't even walk 50 yards without needing to stop, sit and catch her breath for an age. I also hate that I'm crying right now remembering that.
I can't even remember what my point was. I think I started this trying not to be all depressive and melodramatic but once I get flowing it just doesn't stop, feelings just ooze out of me and maybe its for the best to just let it out somewhere, because I do miss her so much still (its like an ache that suddenly throbs when you dwell on it) and I'm realising how lonesome I am, how much I've neglected my social needs over the years due to bad friends and a loving dog. And I offer myself no solution, just an acknowledgment of what I've done, what I'm doing to myself. Will I change anything soon? Not likely. One life changing goal at a time eh? But I recognise now that I am lonely, that it is something that is not just going to go away and not something I want a new pet to filll the void with.
I was meant to be posting a photo. That was my point right when I started this right?
But yes a photo of me and Frankie when I was 16 and she was still a troublesome pup. My mum found a load of photos after the dog died which I'm keeping in my room with her ashes atm. There were never many of me and Frankie as I'm forever someone who prefers to be behind the camera not in front of it. There were 3 of me and Frankie. One at Christmas with me sitting with my pile of gifts and her sitting by my feet, one with me sitting on the sofa with a laptop in my lap (surprise surprise) and her laying next to me, and the third which I completely forgot existed.
It makes me rather happy to look at it though. Minus my messy hair and that double chin of doom of course. But theres just something about it.
I think it feels symbolic.
Me holding her, looking to her, her resting (her front leg there) on my arm, us both pulling the same move (with our mouths). We had nearly 10 years together and not much changed between then and well 2 months ago. I was always holding her above others, looking at her with continuing wonder and love, she would rest against my legs at night or her back against mine when I was on my computer, and as for pulling the same move? Well I can't help but think of the same unbounded joy we both shared when I got home from anywhere. She would greet me as if I'd been gone for a lifetime and I would greet her the same way back.
And 2 months on shes still gone and I'm still alone. The problem is that I'm aware of this now.