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See for a while now I've had this fear of sleeping - which is a shame as sleep is lovely - but yes, I don't like going to sleep because every night I do I'm concerned that I will die in my sleep.

Which scares the shit out of me.

It's not just the fear of dying, but the fear of dying in my sleep. Why? Because to me, there is not much scarier then the idea of just dying, not realising that it's going to happen. This has a lot to do with the fact that I don't believe in an after life, so to me the last moment I have in my life will really be my last ever moment anywhere, so if I do die when I'm asleep I won't even know, and that's scary. I want to know so that I can make the most of my last moments, like cherishing my family one last time, just to appreicate the world before it goes from me.

Why would I die in my sleep? I've mentioned this before, but I suffer from sleep apnea. I hadn't had it for a while, not until last night again. I had trouble sleeping to begin with last night, then I dropped off, then next thing I know is I'm rising myself from my bed and gasping for precious air. I can recall that feeling so well of my throat being closed, of myself convinced that it was all ending just trying, trying to breathe. It's a very scary thing to go through.

Of course I did eventually breathe, then I tried to settle myself down and got back into an uneven sleep. Needless to say I got up a few hours later for work no problem, and here I am. One problem is I'm very much more aware of my breathing now. It's like when someone does those stupid facts, where one of them is "You're now aware that you're breathing and doing it manually" or something similiar. Well yeah, I'm very aware of my whole throat area and while I know I'm fine, it doesn't feel right at the same time.

Also, the sufferers of sleep apnea are rarely aware that they are skipping breaths, so how often am I really doing this?

Of course I could go to my doctor but she'll just weigh me and be all "You need to lose weight". Yeah no shit. Preaching to the choir here love. That there is an on going battle with my body and soul, one I fear that I'm destined to lose. But enough about that.

So I think I'm going to die soon.

k bye

Updated: 11/01/09 6:07 AM Comments disabled | Share this!

The People Have Spoken

40 Comments

Sep. 19, 2009 | 8:52 AM Maximus says:

Well that sucks.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:12 AM Gagsy responds:

I know right.

Sep. 19, 2009 | 8:55 AM Magnet-Boy says:

well shucks.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:12 AM Gagsy responds:

I know.

Sep. 19, 2009 | 9:30 AM AronKong says:

I'm signing a petition that Gagsy is going to die in her sleep.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:12 AM Gagsy responds:

I'd sign it too.

Sep. 19, 2009 | 10:44 AM ikillpeople666 says:

F*CKING RELIGIOS PEOPLE

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:12 AM Gagsy responds:

Ok.

Sep. 19, 2009 | 11:06 AM tigerkitty says:

ever think about getting a breathing machine for the night? My father suffers from sleep apnea as well, and now sleeps with a machine. I'm not sure about how you go about obtaining one here in the UK, but it might be a good idea. Sleep is important, and sleeping well is vital.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:13 AM Gagsy responds:

I didn't see one of them online actually. I just couldn't do that. No offense to your dad or anything but I don't want to be a 22 year old who needs strapping to an oxygen machine or something at night.

Sep. 19, 2009 | 11:16 AM DumbassDude says:

Hope you'll be alright. Just keep trying to sleep, like trying to overcome a phobia.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:14 AM Gagsy responds:

Well I need sleep so it's hard to avoid it :(

Sep. 19, 2009 | 11:24 AM Rucklo says:

can i have your bike?

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:14 AM Gagsy responds:

I don't have a bike.

Sep. 19, 2009 | 11:30 AM groundpwndr says:

wait...wut? you want to die painfully and aware of the thing you claim to fear.
What does it matter if you die in your sleep? If you think there is no afterlife, then why would it matter then?
I call shenanigans.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:15 AM Gagsy responds:

No shenanigans sir. I just truly believe that when I die that is it the final curtain call, the end. Of course I want to know when it happens, it scares me but I want to know so I can spend my final moments on this planet, in this life with those I love. I want to know the end is coming so I can enjoy my last moments.

Sep. 19, 2009 | 12:54 PM Twilight says:

dibs on your ng gear

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:15 AM Gagsy responds:

No dibs.

Sep. 19, 2009 | 1:06 PM 7IsUnlucky says:

Wow that's a shitty doctor
How much do you weigh?

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:15 AM Gagsy responds:

A lot :\

Sep. 19, 2009 | 1:14 PM ChocEliteBar says:

Buuuut we all love you :(

Dun die pluz.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:16 AM Gagsy responds:

Haha lies. Everyone hates me, I hate me.

Sep. 19, 2009 | 3:53 PM TheD-LucksEdition says:

Would I be stupid for suggesting Vick's Vaporub? :(
Get some anyway if I am, it's brilliant.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:16 AM Gagsy responds:

I thought that was just for snotty/blocked up noses :3

Sep. 20, 2009 | 1:15 AM FurryDemon says:

Have fun.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:16 AM Gagsy responds:

I won't.

Sep. 20, 2009 | 3:37 PM Shmossy says:

Lol attention whore.

Still, gl staying alive, death is never a nice thing.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:17 AM Gagsy responds:

Ok?

Sep. 20, 2009 | 9:50 PM ZagmenO says:

I'm sorry to hear about that. I've never heard of this condition before and it sounds pretty scary.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:17 AM Gagsy responds:

It is scary, fucking scary and it plagues my mind constantly. I've got a cold at the moment, think that's been brought on by pure exhaustion.

Sep. 21, 2009 | 1:28 AM Sinitech says:

Your doctor does, too?

"So, then, what do you think could be causing this?"

"You're fat."

"Yeah.. I know.. But I don't see how that relates to -"

"Lose some weight."

It seems like that's the answer to every single medical problem I've ever had in my entire life.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:19 AM Gagsy responds:

Yeah. I can't blame her in some ways, I mean if I get a heart attack or something they can be like "Yeah it's because she's overweight" - Which would be true, but it's just the inhuman way my doctor seems to handle my weight issue that doesn't make me want to go talk to her about this.

Some people are scared of dentists, I'm scared of doctors.

Sep. 21, 2009 | 1:32 AM Sinitech says:

Also, pinball machines.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:19 AM Gagsy responds:

:3 ?

Sep. 21, 2009 | 1:50 AM jmalouin7 says:

I am well aware of your throat area as well :3

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:20 AM Gagsy responds:

You made it worse D:<

Sep. 21, 2009 | 4:38 AM phsychopath says:

What your describing is a anxiety attack. I used to have them too, when I owned the Necronomicon and casted spells from it.

I was afraid of losing my soul to eternal torture by the Azonei god I invoked. But after having burned ol' Necro I haven't had an anxiety attack since.

Perhaps with you it's a vice versa scenario? Like the idea of the Necronomicon preserving you would confort you.

And to everyone else: how does this blog post make her an attention whore?

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:26 AM Gagsy responds:

No, this is sleep apnea. I get anxiety attacks when I think about the end of the world, and there being nothing ever. That gives me panic attacks. This is nothing to do with me overthinking any situation, this is my breathing during sleep.

The attention whore thing? Oh I don't know either.

Apparently being scared every single night as I try to sleep that I'm not going to wake up and then wanting to warn the people who have actually been more like family to me for 3 years than my own family have, wanting to warn them that if I just disappear one day this is fucking why, apparently that makes me an attention whore.

Wow, if that is it then yeah I guess I am one.

Sep. 21, 2009 | 1:17 PM JadeTheAssassin says:

Gagsy, no dying.

Or I die, too, and come haunt you in whereever we turn up.

>: (

Sep. 22, 2009 | 1:27 AM Gagsy responds:

But I wanted to haunt you :(

D:<

Sep. 22, 2009 | 5:10 PM Paradigms says:

Sounds like some serious shit.

Hope you get over this and/or deal with it better than you are presently.

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:01 AM Gagsy responds:

Thanks.

Sep. 22, 2009 | 7:10 PM Twilight says:

Oh fuck off i called it

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:01 AM Gagsy responds:

So?

Sep. 22, 2009 | 8:07 PM 7IsUnlucky says:

300+ stone?

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:02 AM Gagsy responds:

I don't own 300 stones.

Sep. 23, 2009 | 5:17 PM GOTHCLAWZ says:

Are you coming to the NG meet-up?

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:02 AM Gagsy responds:

What NG meet up?

Sep. 24, 2009 | 1:17 PM Figter says:

Hey take it easy. listen to relaxing music to sleep or sleep on your stomac might help? ;)

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:02 AM Gagsy responds:

I have to listen to music or watch a dvd at night. I can't deal with the silence that night beings, makes me think more.

Yeah I usually only sleep on my side and stomach. Never back.

Updated: Sep. 26, 2009, 7:03 AM

Sep. 24, 2009 | 4:51 PM Kane-Animation says:

WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:03 AM Gagsy responds:

Ok.

Sep. 24, 2009 | 4:51 PM TehSlapHappy says:

Please don't die.

Please.

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:03 AM Gagsy responds:

No promises.

Sep. 24, 2009 | 5:40 PM Obvious-M says:

I misjudged you as a person. (good)

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:03 AM Gagsy responds:

It's ok. I always misjudge myself.

Sep. 24, 2009 | 10:26 PM SpikeAlpha says:

Not yet.

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:04 AM Gagsy responds:

Not yet no.

Sep. 24, 2009 | 10:49 PM Timmy says:

Not to go off-topic of your morbid final words, but I KNEW that you were going to get the Steven doll from Time FCKU.

You NG Merch whore you.

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:04 AM Gagsy responds:

I know, I'm terrible :(

Looks cute though. If Mori ever makes CC plush for the store I will just die of happiness.

Sep. 25, 2009 | 11:25 PM lovedemjordans says:

dang how extremely morbid. You have always seemed like an extremely depressed and paranoid person. Maybe you need counseling and on some type of medication if your not on some already. But i shouldn't judge however on the sleep apnea you really need to get it checked out. No matter what your doctor might say with all the complications that sleep apnea can cause latter in life. I have it to and its considered Sever where I had to have surgery and wear the machine and lose weight. Not to freak you out but thats how serious it was.

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:06 AM Gagsy responds:

Ugh, the annoying thing is, I've been this way for so long that I don't even realise how depressive I actually can sound. I do need help, I would advice anyone in my situation to do the same, but I just can't tell myself that, or respond to that need in myself.

Your case does sound severe. Sorry to hear that. I hope you're better now :(

Sep. 26, 2009 | 8:58 AM citricsquid says:

can I have your account?

Sep. 26, 2009 | 9:31 AM Gagsy responds:

No one can. When I go Gagsy dies with me.

Sep. 26, 2009 | 12:54 PM Twilight says:

so i get it

also i found blanket hour :D

Sep. 28, 2009 | 2:35 AM Gagsy responds:

Blanket hour was awesome :D

Sep. 26, 2009 | 2:12 PM Figter says:

Oh really? i often have that problem to night time, i sometimes cant stand the silence and have to have the tv on for some time or set off a song. :/

(reffering to your earlier responce)

Sep. 28, 2009 | 2:36 AM Gagsy responds:

Yeah I can't deal with the silent at all. Last night as I was trying to sleep I could hear this like buzzing noise, it wasn't anything other then the sound of my head, I swear it was loud, just the noise of it buzzing. Really weird.

Sep. 26, 2009 | 2:30 PM Twilight says:

http://tinypic.com/r/2gwfdbm/4

Sep. 28, 2009 | 2:37 AM Gagsy responds:

Good times man, good times.

Sep. 26, 2009 | 6:23 PM Ledgey says:

Hey miss, do you have PSN? I seem to recall you having a PS3 D:

Sep. 28, 2009 | 2:37 AM Gagsy responds:

gagsy10

That be me.

Sep. 26, 2009 | 7:16 PM GOTHCLAWZ says:

THE NG meet-up. In 2010? Also, Starbucks this December. :3

Sep. 28, 2009 | 2:37 AM Gagsy responds: