Well I'm pretty convinced I am.

See for a while now I've had this fear of sleeping - which is a shame as sleep is lovely - but yes, I don't like going to sleep because every night I do I'm concerned that I will die in my sleep.

Which scares the shit out of me.

It's not just the fear of dying, but the fear of dying in my sleep. Why? Because to me, there is not much scarier then the idea of just dying, not realising that it's going to happen. This has a lot to do with the fact that I don't believe in an after life, so to me the last moment I have in my life will really be my last ever moment anywhere, so if I do die when I'm asleep I won't even know, and that's scary. I want to know so that I can make the most of my last moments, like cherishing my family one last time, just to appreicate the world before it goes from me.

Why would I die in my sleep? I've mentioned this before, but I suffer from sleep apnea. I hadn't had it for a while, not until last night again. I had trouble sleeping to begin with last night, then I dropped off, then next thing I know is I'm rising myself from my bed and gasping for precious air. I can recall that feeling so well of my throat being closed, of myself convinced that it was all ending just trying, trying to breathe. It's a very scary thing to go through.

Of course I did eventually breathe, then I tried to settle myself down and got back into an uneven sleep. Needless to say I got up a few hours later for work no problem, and here I am. One problem is I'm very much more aware of my breathing now. It's like when someone does those stupid facts, where one of them is "You're now aware that you're breathing and doing it manually" or something similiar. Well yeah, I'm very aware of my whole throat area and while I know I'm fine, it doesn't feel right at the same time.

Also, the sufferers of sleep apnea are rarely aware that they are skipping breaths, so how often am I really doing this?

Of course I could go to my doctor but she'll just weigh me and be all "You need to lose weight". Yeah no shit. Preaching to the choir here love. That there is an on going battle with my body and soul, one I fear that I'm destined to lose. But enough about that.

So I think I'm going to die soon.

k bye