I fucking hate life. No I'm not about to kill myself, no I'm not going to cut myself or engage in any other type of self abuse.

I just really can't stand life. Living it is horrible, then the dying part is just like adding insult to injury. I don't want to die, it scares me more than anything, but then I'm not enjoying life much either.

I'm 21 yet I live like I'm 80. I can't recall happy childhood memories that I'd wish to tell people, I can't remember when I was last truly happy. Yet, let's say I do live to 80, then I've wasted 1/4, 25% of my life, I have nothing to show for it whatsoever, not even happy memories. I'd truly just living till I die.

Depressed? No. Happy? No. I think I've been whatever I am for so long that it's just second nature to me. When people ask me if I'm depressed, I feel startled then I smile, perhaps give a little believable laugh then say no. When people ask me if I'm happy, I feel startled then I smile, perhaps give a little believable laugh then say yes. The problem is, I don't actually think about the questions as they are being asked, just give the answer that stops more questions, stop advice being given when I don't want it, stop people meddling I suppose.

So yeah I hate change. My dad is nearly bankrupt, mum is in severe debt and he doesn't love her anymore. The most likely scenario there is them selling the house they've lived in for 23 years, then paying off the money they owe, my dad then moving to a flat on his own and then my mum moving in with her mum. My brother Daniel and I who currently still live with them both will obviously have to go too.

Dan is sick of everything (his own words). He knows his girlfriend doesn't love him as much as he loves her, and while she is sick at the moment she is bringing him down too. She doesn't feel motivated to enjoy life where as he's one of the most happy go lucky guys you could meet. He also has like £7000 debt he told me. How I don't know, he got silly it seems. So he wants to declare himself bankrupt, then just get a plane ticket and go to Spain. He just wants to get a bar job or something, and then spend his days off lounging in the sun. Fair enough to him, but that'll just be another crack in this unstable family.

Carl the other brother (the one who had baby Oliver) is currently living with his girlfriend. He's another one getting screwed on money he owes. Thankfully his girlfriend, well fiance is helping him with his finances a lot but whether they make it as a couple is another issue. He'll always be the jealous lover. She can't mention old loves without him losing his cool, but then she is the same about him. My brother seems to have that affect on every girl he's ever dated - They all turn into crazy jealous emotionally charged idiots. I just hope they can last, because if they break up it'll mean trouble for Carl again who'll just spend all his earnings on gambling and also for little Oliver who'll have parents who hate each other.

Then me. What about me. My one concern will be - Not getting rid of the dog no matter what - So then if my parents sell the house I'd no doubt go with my mum to nans place. My nan wouldn't be too thrilled about having a dog there but what else could I do? And it'd kill me, literally kill me not to be living with my dad, but what place is a flat for a dog? And how could I leave my mum when she is the one who doesn't want to split up? I'd be rough for her so she'd need the support. I'm not gonna lie though, I do love my dad more than I love my mum. It doesn't mean that I dislike my mum any (except when she's drunk), just that the love I hold for my dad is that high. Daddies little girl forever. And not seeing him, talking to him everyday would be crushing for me. I did say I hate change, and this is one reason why.

Get my own place? Rent a house with a garden for the dog? I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to afford it and I wouldn't know anymore who I would live with. Friends are few and far between for me. I can't just pick up a phone and see if a mate wants to get a place together.

But then that's my own fault. I chose to have the social life that I do. I chose to stop contacting people and replying to them when they got in contact with me. My own doing. The way I am, I'm an easy person to like. Not because I think I'm so great, but I just seem to have a gift for knowing what people want to hear, how to respond to different people, how to act in different situations with different people. I could and used to be a popular child, a popular teen, then I fell apart, and my three best friends had enough of my seemingly uninterest in everything, they walked away from a friend who was broken, a friend who didn't know she was broken. If I didn't know I was unhappy that much how could they have known? I can't blame them too much, but I can't say it hasn't affected my trust issues, even to this day.

So back then when I was abandoned, I somehow got through my last year of school, head down, I stopped playing up in class so much, but I stopped going in as much at the same time. Got shockingly bad results in my GCSEs (exams). I managed to do a GVNQ course in Sixth Form there though. Very small class, so we all got on, made plans and were friends. But then once I left I stopped keeping in contact, only keep in touch with Yasmin as she usually contacts me, and she's so bubbly and nice that it's hard to want to blow her off. I like being her friend.

Work for a bit, then I decided to go to college, do an animal care course. I only lasted one year - I couldn't keep up with the coursework, I didn't even try to though, and amazingly it never bothered me that I was going to fail. Made a good group of friends there, but once again didn't keep up with them. Me and one of the girls called Claire usually text each other on sundays when we're both working, but that's it. I don't ask to go out with her and them and she doesn't ask me either. Just how it is really.

My main interest currently in life seems to be B/Ping here. I WISH I was making that up. I barely get 5/6 hours sleep a night just because I don't want to miss those points. But then if it wasn't my B/P I'd just be doing the same with posting, which thankfully has gone down, but this is it now. Newgrounds has become my life. Isn't that fucking sad? I hate myself more so just for giving in to this site and it's meaningless stats that I just can't seem to get enough of. I've recently been thinking about requesting a 30 day ban, but I did always despise people who did that though - Thinking that they had no willpower if they needed bans to make them do something they've been putting off, but as I said my posting rate has gone down. It's the B/P rate I'm worried about. Newgrounds is no way the cause of my problems, but my addiction here certainly has hindered any form of recovery I want to make in my personal life.

Love? Furthest thing from my mind. Sex? Romance? Likewise. Of course I get lonely at times, who wouldn't, but I never really felt like I needed a partner. I have fantasies, who doesn't, but I'm used to living in my head so that's where everything remains. I just can't be happy with myself, so I refuse to accept that a partner could be happy with me, even when they say they are. I had a boyfriend who loved me, and I was sure that I loved him, I just couldn't feel anything for him when we hugged and kissed. Even when he looked at me with a big sloppy grin and eyes wet with emotion I couldn't feel it. So I broke it off, it would have been wrong to string him along, and I just knew that my feelings wouldn't change. Besides him, every single guy who has asked me out I've said no to, and considering how grotesque I am that number isn't too shabby. Once again, like when people ask me if I'm happy, I don't consider the question, I just give the answer. I say no to them, and don't think more about it. I guess I just know that they could do better than me. Who'd want me? I wouldn't.

I'm horribly fat. No new news there, but still it's there. Never going, no matter how much I've tried in the past. I will try again, but I make no promises to myself. I just can't seem to lose any weight. And this really is the stem of a lot of my personal issues. I feel that if I lose weight, I can be happier with myself, and be more outgoing, so I could be more social, I could have myself some passion, be a genuinely happy person, but it's just about getting over that hurdle, I can't do it.

I'll probably die a lonely horrible person. I have this one shot of life and I'm completely blowing it, blown it I'd go as far to say. Most people look back on their teens, early adulthood as their happiest times but I still have nothing to show, and I can't go back in time. It does make the future look even bleaker for me.

So no money, no unite family, no friends, no love, no happiness.

Good fucking job there Leanne.