I feel like I should make another melodramatic blog

But I don't know what about, so I'm just going to keep typing, because I think that is the best way to get things out. You know just by talking, or in my case typing. Thinking can be bad so it's best just to go with the flow, just talk away and let your real feelings out. Seriously you should try it. Just type and don't stop until you know you're done. Don't think, type.

As for my 'melodramatic' blog. I don't know, I'm just feeling so self-loathing again. Money is tight, I'm still at my job I hate, I still have nothing much going for me in my life, certainly I don't when it comes to me, myself. The good things I have going are just a few relationships with certain people and even my ever faithful dog.

It's not brilliant, though sure I am well aware that I have it luckier then people in certain parts of the world. But I'm not them, I can't pretend to be them.

I want more. More of what? I don't even fucking know. Just more then I have, more then I am.

BTW Twilight I am aware that I'm using 'then' incorrectly but I'm just typing, and 'then' flows easier on my fingers and I don't care :(

So yeah, I don't know what to do, and I know the best thing to do is to sort myself out, change my life, blah blah, but I just can't. Lord knows I've tried and failed, too many times. I seem to walk around with a dark cloud above my head, which probably suits me anyway. I do love me some doom and gloom.

And that is me in a nutshell. Doom and fucking gloom.

I just wrote a few paragraphs about something a little scary, then I realised how insane I would look so just deleted it all. Why am I telling you this? I don't know. Why am I not telling you this? I don't know.

I'm just not all there sometimes. I can be wicked, I can be cruel, I can be nice, I can be your best friend. I can be anything, but I'm not anything I claim to be.

I'M AN ENIGMA WRAPPED IN A RIDDLE SURROUNDED BY FAT.

I won a mug the other day on Magic FM, that was a good moment for me. I imagine I'll break the mug somehow so that my moment of little joy will die like everything else in my life.

I hate me.

You should hate me too. Seriously, I mean that. If you do already then good for you, because you're right to. I'm a horrible person who offers nothing to this world besides ugliness. I don't want your attention. Find someone else on here to love, to praise. I don't want that.

feijrggjrgjrgjrgjijw9ojr0ikerwj

I told my mother the other night that I was going to kill myself when my dog died. I don't know why and I don't know if I was serious but it was something I've thought about before. She was drinking and being annoying so I told her this, she just told me to not be silly or something and I know that it's silly but it's something I can't stop thinking about.

I hate death but I seem to crave it.

The only shop I look into when I walk down the main road is the funeral directors. Why? I don't even know. It's not like they put dead bodies in the window, just different headstone types and fonts, but I keep looking.

God I have issues.

Sorry for this shit.

I should get back to appreciating good looking men.

/self pity

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El-Vato 2010-04-08 20:16:55

lol.

Sheizenhammer 2010-04-08 20:27:17

Hey, at least you have a fucking job. Been looking for one of those since August. >:(

Also, if we're both at the next London meet, can I give you a hug? :D

jmalouin7 2010-04-08 21:46:48

I'll leave a more serious comment when i am not being rushed. till then cock joke penis button mixed with muffin cords.

falarinx 2010-04-08 22:30:13

Sounds like depression. Which reminds me of that depression medicine commercial. Of course the commercial makes me think that the company is only out to make more money.

Tony-DarkGrave 2010-04-09 06:43:50

you should end the pain Squeeze the trigger make it all go away.

Mechabloby 2010-04-09 14:18:39

"Why does it always raaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnn oooonnnnnn meeeeeee?"

I fucking love that song.

I'd love to have seen what "crazy" paragraphs you wrote.

I know how you feel - as you know, I'm usually quite self-loathing for very similar reasons. You're not a horrible person: a lot of people seem to enjoy your company. You know why, right? You're a kind and caring person with an open sense of humour, yet you don't beat around the bush -- you'll tell somebody to fuck off if they need to fuck off.

You seem to be having quite morbid thoughts as well: when Frankie dies? You shouldn't be thinking about that, and definitely not reacting like that either. It's a depressing truth, but beings come and go -- when you die, you wouldn't exactly want young Oliver to kill himself because his aunt has passed away, do you? It's not logical thinking.

I know you're rather depressed because you believe that you have nothing going for you: I keep saying the same thing over and over again but you just don't seem to want to take it in (and I understand that) -- you may not think so at this moment in time, or for the next few either, but you will find something that you will class as a strength.

Have a cry and a moan now -- just let it all out (because it's better out than in, right?). You'll feel better some day.

HERE COMES THE REALLY NAFF PART LOL:

People love you for who you are and they don't want you to change who you are, Leanne. You're a brilliant person, even if you are an emo faggot.

MaddieLion 2010-04-09 19:40:19

Why must you be sad? BE HAPPY DAMMIT!

Gobblemeister 2010-04-10 02:08:39

Life is tough huh?

Liteice 2010-04-10 07:06:32

My life isn't much different from yours, it's pretty empty and depressing most of the time. Although, I still can't get a job, and am always feeling the sting of financial difficulty's. Even worse I always have to put up with school, and that usually sucks. Plus there are my health problems, almost always I'm feeling chest pains. They always come right the hell out of nowhere. I'd go to a doctor but my mom can't afford that. Every day I'm afraid that right out of nowhere ill have a heart attack and die. If I don't die my medical bills will ruin my family financially and it will be all my fault.

Shit wait, I was posting this to make you feel better.

Buck up, everything will be alright! Just don't lose hope.

Letiger 2010-04-10 10:40:10

I don't hate you, I hate me. :D

Hey, sometimes when you're doing something for a long time, like in a game, you feel like you should just mess up on purpose just to spite yourself? I do.

tehslaphappy 2010-04-12 19:10:43

12 days man.

You'll be happy.

TwistedMoonlight 2010-04-15 06:02:20

You really need to sort out this 'then' and 'than' business:
Then (adverb)
1. at that time; at the time in question
2. after that; next; afterward
3. in that case; therefore

However:
Than (conjunction and preposition)
1. introducing the second element in a comparison (for example, 'he was much smaller than his son', 'Jack doesn't know any more than I do')
2. used in expressions introducing an exception or contract ('he claims not to own anything other than his home' or 'they observe rather than act')
3. used in expressions indicating one thing is happening immediately after another

My flatmate used to get this wrong all the time: 'Feeling better THEN I was before', 'Much prettier THEN her'. I felt it would be almost rude to point it out. She'd almost graduated at university, for god's sake. It's like explaining the difference between 'there' and 'their'. You think they should just KNOW! Especially by now. So yes, in short, I agree with twilight. No excuse. Ever. Sort that shit out.

On a separate note - you won a mug! Who cares if it breaks? You still won it. That's not going to change. You could throw it out of the window and watch it smash into pieces, but you still won it. In fact, then two cool things would have happened to you. It might be quite cathartic throwing your mug out of the window. How often do you hear about that? The point is you're just looking at things with a very negative perspective. If you won a box of donuts, but they'd all be eaten eventually, would that be so sad? No, because you still won them!

If you don't know what to do with your life or what you want from it, the answer is not to do nothing. Then (unsurprisingly) nothing will change. You're never going to find your dream career sitting in the job you hate. It's not like one day a light bulb will flash in your head and all will become clear if you just wait long enough. It's only though trying different jobs and experiencing different things that you'll work out what it is you're missing. Take up some new hobbies, add some routine to your life, learn something new. Anything! It's the fact that you feel stuck, that there's no movement, that's what's making you unhappy!

You could start going to the gym regularly? Take up yoga classes? Dance classes? Knitting? Climbing. Cooking for pleasure. Any type of martial art. Learning how to play an instrument. Learning how to give a proper manicure or how to massage. You could take up writing! Honestly, the possibilities are endless and it's not worth me writing them all down here. No one sits around and has happiness fed to them on a spoon. It's tough going, but it's better than not trying.

And if all else fails (which it most certainly won't), or it's too tough sometimes, you're right. There are always very, very attractive men to take your mind off things =)