It's something I've slowly been realising -

I don't seem to want to connect with people socially, whenever I do it feels forced, I feel uncomfortable, be it real life, or online, I just don't feel the need to try anymore.

I'm self-aware when I talk to others. I can pose as the ideal friend, as a funny pal, or a chatty person, but really I'm not. I force myself so I don't appear like an outsider, a loser or whatever.

Why is it that I'm happiest on my own?

The presence of anyone seems to get my back up. Be it at home, at work, or out and about. I don't like crossing paths with people, I don't like the continuous chatter and laughter of others. I'm bitter about it, perhaps it is jealousy, that these people can co-exist happily without any tell-tale signs of them loathing one another. This is why I can't leave my house without my iphone or mp3 player on me. The sounds of life going around me seems to anger me.

Looking back, I don't know when I've ever enjoyed the company of others, even when I was young I had loads of friends, but even surrounded by others I was alone. The loner in a group of giggling girls.

It's easy to force a smile, to fake a laugh to role play friendships.

It's probably a reason to that I've allowed friendships to dissolve, and that when I had made some effect to keep up with people it's just for the benefit of my parents, so that they don't constantly worry about me and if I'm missing out on life.

Of course I'm missing out on life, but I don't seem to regret that. I regret others and their carelessly easy ways of liking and wanting social interaction. This is why I seem content to just have idle chit-chat with people online, when I feel the need of a little talk. Never does the need last long though. Even with my best buddy I feel it becoming a strain to keep up interest. Which is really a shame as I'd hate to hurt him and I doubt he'd understand this.

Intimacy is something else I don't get. I can't even accept hugs or being touched gently without some kind of inner senor in me going off. I'm very sensitive to touch as it is. A slight brush of a hand on my shoulder could send my whole back tingling. That's likely a sign that I'm yearning to be touched more, yet I can't help but fear it at the same time.

My future is looking more and more likely of being a mad obese dog lady.

I'll keep Newgrounds posted of course.