"After a few moments the doors opened to my floor and I took a step forward to exit. Suddenly a hand stopped me, a heavy hand on my shoulder that pulled me back into the depths of that elevator. I was stunned with surprise and I faltered confused. That was until I felt a sharp prick against my arm and I realised what was happening. I tried to wrench myself away from the hand tightly holding onto me. I clawed onto the smooth walls as his other hand snaked around my waist holding me firm. I kept trying to grab anything I could to aid me, anything that would allow me to reach those doors. After a few struggling moments though I felt my eyes grow heavy and I gave up the fight against his body and instead tried to fight my own, trying to keep myself awake. It was all in vain though, and as the elevator doors calmly closed trapping me in that metal tomb so did my eyes."

So I'm dreaming and having a good time, which is unusual - me having a good time in a dream. Usually I'm getting murdered or just having a random nightmarish dreams where I'm not involved, but anyway.

I was having a good dream. I can't recall much of it now sadly due to the ending of the dream which has since engulfed my mind. I just about remember some kind of event that went wrong because of this other woman but everything for everyone else was fine and I was laughing and happy and doing stuff but anyway.

I recall that woman got like a bulldozer and like used it to destroy some art display outside, which was fine to everyone, it was a joke. Then I can't remember much now but I'm sure it was mentioned that she was upset because she had been raped or I just knew that.

All of a sudden the dream changes and I'm waking up (in the dream). I knew what was going to happen and I saw myself standing over the bed I was sleeping in. That vision of me had the eyes darkened to a shadow and it was like an anime style which was creepy and nude, and it was just standing there by the bed looking (I assume) at nothing. Actually it looked nothing like me but it was me and I knew that and I knew what that meant. I had raped the woman. I don't know how that works but I did. I'm grateful the dream didn't show it. Then dream me got out of bed and I could see the raped woman now. Thankfully she wasn't crying or upset she was actually going on about some government thing but I wasn't listening. I was coming to terms with the horror that I was a rapist.

I got out of the bed and went over to the window. There were blue vans coming into the area. I closed the balcony doors as quickly as I could and sat down on the floor holding onto myself. The vans were filled with men, obviously trying to find the rapist - me. I sat there and was still able to see through the windows and watched the men leaving the vans. I just sat and waited. At one stage the doors to the balcony opened but then closed again. I felt my dream self panic a bit but still I waited to be caught. I didn't trying to move or run, I just waited and waited getting more worked up in the dream.

I then woke up and I was scared, really fucking scared about it.

I'm not sure how it sounds when you read this. I can't really recreate in word form the terror of the dream, but it shook me quite a bit.

So yeah.

I'm a dream rapist.

It'll possibly be shit but I certainly look forward to giving it a go. For memories sake. Plus a time machine! AND 1.21 GIGAWATTS!

Why not try the first episode for free yourself everyone? Don't think you can download it till it's release date but you can certainly register for it now.

Go to;

http://www.telltalegames.com/bttfoffer

Ignore the 'Pre-Order' bit, unless you actually want to, and then click below 'Register for your free episode'. It will then go to your cart and show 'Back to the Future Episode 1 of 5'. It might put another game on there with it, just remove that. The discount should already be in the coupon section (121GIGAWATTS) and then just go to Checkout and give your details - no card details so no worries.

A lot of you might know about it already but I want to share anyway, because BTTF is just awesome, and 25 years man.

And hopefully we'll all get to enjoy it when the game is released!

.
/* */

Apologises for not responding to any comment in my previous post. I was going to, then I didn't. I did read every single one and I do appreciate (a lot) the ones with advice, so thank you for those.

I need to be less dramatic now. It's a habit with me.

Go see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. It's the greatest Potter movie since the first 2. It's awesome and I can't wait to see Part 2 already.

I know splitting it into two parts was more a move motivated by money then anything else but it was so the right idea. It was more true to the book, more detail, didn't feel rushed at all and I cannot wait for the conclusion, it SHOULD be epic. Even if the Epilogue sucked.

The temptation to leave this life behind gets harder to deny sometimes.

Don't worry (or don't break open the champagne yet), I'm not going anyway just yet.

It just seems to dawn on me more and more and more that I just can never get a break. I'm beyond running on empty now. It feels like there is nothing left to give, nothing left to muster up. Just nothing.

I feel tired of everything. Every moment I'm awake I want to be sleeping, I want to just stop, even though I've already stopped.

Whenever I do try, I fail. This isn't an illusion or me just focusing on the bad. Literally I fail at every single thing I try. I'm natures loser and this does take it's toll on me, because when I want to try again I have no memories of times when me trying has paid off so I have no fight, no desire.

I get stressed these days almost painfully quickly. In real life it takes mere moments before I want to swear and shout or cry just because of some simple annoyances. Everything seems to aggravate me, and no less than my own family.

The ones who I love above all others are also the ones who make me fall apart in seconds.

My family has all but fallen apart and it feels that it's me there at the bottom just trying to hold the seams together. What with a depressive (more than me) dad who appears to want to kill himself, to my mother who has a gambling problem heightened worse when she drinks once or twice a week and turns into a complete emotional wreck, who's favourite phrase between sobbing and drinking is "I hope I die in my sleep tonight". To my selfish brothers who only call our parents and me when they want something (usually money). It's alright for them having got out. They don't have to deal with our parents as much because they got their own partners. It's ok to let Leanne sort things out because she has no one.

Money. Money is such an issue with my family because none of us appear to have any. 5 working adults, 5 struggling working adults. I see people on handouts better off than we are. Our crime? Not going on the dole I suspect. I want to move out, I crave it more than anything else. I'm tied down though. To me dog who I won't make live in a flat, especially when I'd need to work more to afford my own place, and to my mum. Her sons moved out one by one, her marriage fell apart, so her beloved moved out and moving on is something she doesn't even want to do, not without my dad.

Perhaps I am somewhat selfish wanting to get away from her but no one realises what I have to put up with here. The harsh cruel words put upon me from her drunken mouth. I need to move away before the memory of my mother just becomes a negative one.

And how can you help someone who doesn't want help? Or denies a problem? I ask her about her drinking when she is sober and she basically ignores the question or the comment I give her. I just don't understand why someone continues to binge drink when it clearly puts them in a worse state.

My point, again lost somewhere in the ramblings of my broken life. I don't know.

I have 5 days off work starting tomorrow (hooray holiday pay). I shall sleep finally and just do what I love most - keeping to myself, relaxing, down time.

Trying not to allow the world to suffocate me further, to cause me further grief, suffering and rage.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
if I die before I wake,
I pray for God my soul to take.

So I went to see my cousin Sian yesterday. She had a baby a month ago and I only just been able to visit. Of course I bought a card and a few overpriced pieces of baby clothes which will be lucky to last longer than a month.

But anyway it dawned on me when I saw this baby how much of a baby person I really am NOT. I can look at a baby, coo like you're supposed to, call them cute like you're supposed to, ask all the baby questions like you're supposed to. I just feel uncomfortable around them though and when offered I just couldn't bring myself to hold this baby. Even if she wasn't as newborn as she'd been a month before, I just couldn't hold little Molly, this delicate thing. I felt I would break her by holding her, or hold her incorrectly. Then of course there are the smells, the noises, the constant worry over them.

It just sort it drilled it into my mind more that either I really don't want kids or I'm not ready at all. I think the former more. Of course I do know people who have said that they didn't like kids until they had their own and I'm sure any parent will say that the years of energy consumed for their children was worth it in the end, but I think I really could be happy enough not to have any myself.

I'm immature anyway, I doubt I could be a parent. I think I can live with 'just' being an aunt. I'll settle for that because I am the coolest fucking aunt.

See I love them when they are like Olivers age now. Of course I have loved Oliver at any age, even when he was a baby, though again I couldn't hold him when he was tiny and I remember having to babysit him one panicked afternoon when he was a few months old as my brother (Olivers dad) had to go to hospital. But yeah, give me a kid whos 3+ so they can control their bladder just about, be able to talk to you and tell you what they want and inbetween playing with them they can keep themselves quite amused on their own.

That's just perfect.

Speaking of Oliver, I just love that little kid more and more.

So the other day he was round playing with the lego I got for it. Just a few lego vehicles which he loves. Well because he's young still he has issues when pieces fall off, and he has to get me to mend them. I was just fixing the helicoper propellers back on and my dog comes over to me and sniffs the lego in my hands (as dogs tend to do when they see something they don't know which their master is holding and want to know what it is). Well Oliver saw that and said;

"No Frankie you can't play with the helicopter!". Which made me laugh. Then he looked around the sitting room and saw his old Thomas the Tank Engine train set thing which he used to love before lego and said;

"Frankie can play with Thomas" Which again made me laugh and I said thank you on the dogs behalf.

And then a bit later my mum offers him a biscuit.

"How many biscuits do you want Oliver? One?"

"I have twooo biscuits" he says, and he points this notion out by putting his two index fingers together as if in some kind of demonstration.

"Broken ones?" my mum asks.

"No! I have fixen ones!" which is the cutest thing ever he says.

So I head to the kitchen and get him his biscuits and of course the dog comes along to. As I'm getting out Olivers biscuits he just says;

"Frankie can have one". So I gave the dog a biscuit on his command. Just because I found it very sweet of him. See normally he'd just say about how Frankie only eats bones not food. I'm actually happy he is willing to share with a dog.

I don't doubt that this is due to my teaching, because as much as I love my sister-in-law she has a TERRIBLE attitude towards animals. Me and her are like complete opposites when it comes to any animal. Where as I will try my hardest not to harm a single creature she will with ease kill a single creature that is annoying her. She hates dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, anything. She finds animals disease ridden and even though she's gotten used to my dog you can tell she has issues with her being around still. Which is just her thing. I don't approve but she grew up that way. I would be damned though if my nephew had the same approach to animals.

He's going to have to grow up in an animal free home for sure. As I said my sister-in-law doesn't like them and my brother, while not being horrible to most animals is indifferent about them and certainly has killed his fair share of bugs in his past. I would just hate for my own nephew to be one of those kids afraid to say hello to a dog. It's always annoyed me when I'm walking my dog and I see these mothers who like stop, grab their children and almost shield them as if every dog they cross wants to bite them and infect them somehow, and they look at ME as if I'm some evil dirty person for daring to have such a vile creature.

So yes I don't want that of Oliver. So I've always encouraged him to be nice to the dog. To say hello to her, to pat her. Of course I don't expect or even want him to be as bat shit crazy about animal welfare as I am. I just want him to respect animals in this world and the way things are going, hopefully he will.

And that is all I want of my nephew.

I kind of lost my point about this blog again somewhere. I tend to ramble on.

I'll have to update this blog later with a cute picture of Oliver of course. Because, you know.

I've probably mentioned before to people but I dream a lot. This is something I like and about the only thing that makes sleep pleasurable for me. I have a fear of sleeping due to past experience with sleep apnoea. Anyway.

I dream a lot. I've never tried to attempt lucid dreaming and to be honest I doubt highly that I could. For me, my dreams are always very life like. I never once in all my years of dreaming have been able to think "This is a dream". Every thought, feeling, action of my dream feels real to me. Like I'm sure to most of you too. This can be a blessing when you have a good dream or more likely a curse when you have bad ones.

I tend to have bad dreams. For example 3 nights in a row now I've had psychological dreams, where I know my sleeping mind is trying tell me something. Something I need to do, or do better at, to focus on. I get a lot of dreams like this because I tend to ignore the messages of them. I think a lot of them want me to address that fact that I most likely am really alone as I dream of friendships a lot, which is something I try to avoid in real life.

Other than that my main dream is horror. I have many horror dreams which isn't a good thing when you're convinced they're real. Saying this though, I would rather have a nightmare every night for the rest of my life then have one fantastic dream just once before I die.

But yeah, what I actually wanted to talk about was a particular dream I had 2 nights ago. It was a psychological dream overall but in that dream I happened to be watching a show with someone. As we watched it felt like I had a wobbly tooth. I've not lost a tooth this way for years now but I still recall the sensation of it well. So yes, in this dream as I was watching the show, my tooth got wobbly. I pressed another tooth to it and part of the wobbly tooth kind of fell off. It was loose, broken and falling apart. I kept on watching the show and eventually the whole tooth has like come away from my mouth. Eventually other teeth fell out too (I'm sure there is a British teeth joke here somewhere yes), and at the end of it I had no teeth left. I had a mouth full of loose teeth which I spat out slowly one by one and although it was a dream the sensation of having no teeth was incredible. I could literally feel just gums and nothing else. It was crazy. I was panic strucken in the dream of course about it, and went to someone to see if they could glue the teeth back in but I woke up before anything was done. Yes though, while it was a dream, it never failed to amaze me just how real it all can seem, and for those moments in that dream I knew how it felt to have no teeth.

I'm pretty sure I know why I dreamt this too. I seem to dream about the little things. Things that are just offhand remarks or actions seem to turn into my dreams. For example earlier that day my sister-in-law was round with my nephew and she and my mother were chatting. I happened to overhear some of that conversation, and I'm sure that my whole reason for dreaming of broken teeth was just this;

Amina: Oliver keeps grinning his teeth though.
Mum: Leanne used to do that when she was his age.

Just one little snippet from a conversation and I'm sure that is the reason behind the strange dream. This isn't the first time something like this has happened either. It just impresses me that your subconscious seems to make note of it, remember it, use it.

I don't know. Just felt like sharing that dream and this blog got a little long as tends to happen when I ramble on about something.

On a sleep related note I got to be careful what I say in future.

At work I was just chatting to my colleague about a number of things and she just asked me ramdomly if I snored. Without thinking I just answered "Well some people tell me I have before". Of course the moment I said that she went into an almost frenzy like state; "Oh my god Leanne, people? People? Who have you had in your bed then? Tell me, tell me?!". I felt literally embarrassed straight away as my comment was completely innocent and by 'people' I simply meant family or friends who used to stay over on ocassion. Of course as someone who is 23 I guess it is expected that someone would be sharing a bed with me every now and then (I know right). I think I panicked after her response and she accused me of going red, which I was. Then I thought with some horror, 'omg, what if she thinks I'm lesbian?'. Then I thought with some delight, 'omg, what if she thinks I'm a lesbian?!". I opted out of course and changed the subject completely which she allowed. I did worry though as I left yesterday evening if she would remember the conversation and repeat it to our boss who was working that evening and that they would try to work out exactly just who I was entertaining in my bed.

Gulp.

He's still a pretty cool little guy.

I could sit here and tell stories but then why bother? I cherish my moments with him and I think I want to keep those to myself.

adfphoikadoghijf

And nothing dirty you freaks. I believe he sees me as a big kid, which is cool. I like that he wants me to play with him and do stuff with him. Makes me feel like a special auntie.

So I'm at work, I get a phone call as per usual. Girls asks for a taxi, we're extremely busy on account of the rain.

Call goes something like this;

Girl: Can I have a taxi?
Me: I'm afraid we can't do anything for 30 minutes.
Girl: Well go fuck yourself then!
*puts phone down*

Thats ok. I called her back. After disconnecting the call twice she finally decides to answer. "WHAT?!" she says angerly. Calmly I explain to her that the next time she doesn't wish to go ahead and book, she should simply politely decline before putting the phone down. She starts f-ing and cursing again before the phone goes dead, again.

But thats ok. I still have her number.

In a week when I'm working one of the overnight weekend shifts I'm going to remind myself from 2am onwards to ring her phone on the hour every hour until about 10am. Of course this might seem immature but I don't appreicate being swore at for just doing my job. Manners are free and everyone should remember that.

Ladies and gentlemen, tip your taxi drivers.

Much to my delightful surprise there was no custom charge with this one!

Anyway, content;

- One black Angry Faic t-shirt (which is great as this is one I never bought before)
- One green knight ^_^ (I will probably give it away)
- Snow Snow For Lucy dvd (of course)
- Command & Conquer Tiberian Sun for PC (which is pretty cool. Love how there is no case)
- One giant green awesome clip/peg
- Two Halloween looking little cakes which I'm sure once looked yummy (I've been assured on the bottom of the packet that they are 'Fresh from Philly and edible, promise - bob')
- Freedom Club badge
- Two toffees (think they are toffees)
- Large Mindchamber patch
- Mystery Box Panic Situation #74 + regular stickers and postcard
- A little like blind mask thing that you can put over your face to imitate being blind I guess (comes from the site iamblind.org which I looked at briefly and am not sure what they do)
- A birthday card for Bob made by Stamper (with some dodgy looking stain on the front). The card itself isn't like a work of art but it's damn cool still. I like the 'Stampy Cards!' logo (ha) on the back and the copyright sign. Plus inside it is signed by the staff of the time, which is awesome.
- Oh and a photo of Bob holding said card, perhaps pondering whether to give away such a beautiful card which bears the message "FUCK YOU BOB". I'm sure it was a hard decision ;(

I like this box very much. Especially because it sent the coolest knight (green ftw) and I got a shirt (right size) that I didn't have before ^_^

Happy days.