Like my mind.

Well I'm pretty convinced I am.

See for a while now I've had this fear of sleeping - which is a shame as sleep is lovely - but yes, I don't like going to sleep because every night I do I'm concerned that I will die in my sleep.

Which scares the shit out of me.

It's not just the fear of dying, but the fear of dying in my sleep. Why? Because to me, there is not much scarier then the idea of just dying, not realising that it's going to happen. This has a lot to do with the fact that I don't believe in an after life, so to me the last moment I have in my life will really be my last ever moment anywhere, so if I do die when I'm asleep I won't even know, and that's scary. I want to know so that I can make the most of my last moments, like cherishing my family one last time, just to appreicate the world before it goes from me.

Why would I die in my sleep? I've mentioned this before, but I suffer from sleep apnea. I hadn't had it for a while, not until last night again. I had trouble sleeping to begin with last night, then I dropped off, then next thing I know is I'm rising myself from my bed and gasping for precious air. I can recall that feeling so well of my throat being closed, of myself convinced that it was all ending just trying, trying to breathe. It's a very scary thing to go through.

Of course I did eventually breathe, then I tried to settle myself down and got back into an uneven sleep. Needless to say I got up a few hours later for work no problem, and here I am. One problem is I'm very much more aware of my breathing now. It's like when someone does those stupid facts, where one of them is "You're now aware that you're breathing and doing it manually" or something similiar. Well yeah, I'm very aware of my whole throat area and while I know I'm fine, it doesn't feel right at the same time.

Also, the sufferers of sleep apnea are rarely aware that they are skipping breaths, so how often am I really doing this?

Of course I could go to my doctor but she'll just weigh me and be all "You need to lose weight". Yeah no shit. Preaching to the choir here love. That there is an on going battle with my body and soul, one I fear that I'm destined to lose. But enough about that.

So I think I'm going to die soon.

k bye

It's something I've slowly been realising -

I don't seem to want to connect with people socially, whenever I do it feels forced, I feel uncomfortable, be it real life, or online, I just don't feel the need to try anymore.

I'm self-aware when I talk to others. I can pose as the ideal friend, as a funny pal, or a chatty person, but really I'm not. I force myself so I don't appear like an outsider, a loser or whatever.

Why is it that I'm happiest on my own?

The presence of anyone seems to get my back up. Be it at home, at work, or out and about. I don't like crossing paths with people, I don't like the continuous chatter and laughter of others. I'm bitter about it, perhaps it is jealousy, that these people can co-exist happily without any tell-tale signs of them loathing one another. This is why I can't leave my house without my iphone or mp3 player on me. The sounds of life going around me seems to anger me.

Looking back, I don't know when I've ever enjoyed the company of others, even when I was young I had loads of friends, but even surrounded by others I was alone. The loner in a group of giggling girls.

It's easy to force a smile, to fake a laugh to role play friendships.

It's probably a reason to that I've allowed friendships to dissolve, and that when I had made some effect to keep up with people it's just for the benefit of my parents, so that they don't constantly worry about me and if I'm missing out on life.

Of course I'm missing out on life, but I don't seem to regret that. I regret others and their carelessly easy ways of liking and wanting social interaction. This is why I seem content to just have idle chit-chat with people online, when I feel the need of a little talk. Never does the need last long though. Even with my best buddy I feel it becoming a strain to keep up interest. Which is really a shame as I'd hate to hurt him and I doubt he'd understand this.

Intimacy is something else I don't get. I can't even accept hugs or being touched gently without some kind of inner senor in me going off. I'm very sensitive to touch as it is. A slight brush of a hand on my shoulder could send my whole back tingling. That's likely a sign that I'm yearning to be touched more, yet I can't help but fear it at the same time.

My future is looking more and more likely of being a mad obese dog lady.

I'll keep Newgrounds posted of course.

When the General Regulars Lounge (lol) was still open, I decided to add to it properly, even though it's demise would always on the horizon. I got typing about myself and didn't stop. A lot of what I put most people on here may know about anyway, but if you want the scoop on my life and have the patience to read a load of waffle then here you go. This was my exact post in the thread;
______________________________________
___

sigh

Hello there I am Gagsy, my name is Leanne. Yes, I really am a girl, or a mockery of one anyway. I am 22 years old. I still live at home with my folks, too expensive too move out. I have a semi dead end job, that I dislike with a passion but I'm fucking excellent at it. Tedious to say the least.

You may know me as a post/stat whore. I guess I am somewhat, even though my posting habit has died down a lot. This is likely due to my continuous usage of the Stickam chatrooms. Which I find a better way to chat with Newgrounders.

My parents are getting divorced. My father has a girlfriend and hes cheated on my mum more times than I'd like to know. He went from being my idol and real life hero to a man I can't even look at. Not just due to him cheating on my mother, he has said some horrible things to me that has dented my already fragile state of mind. I won't bore with the details.

I'm very pessimistic on my own outlook but horribly positive for everyone else. I hold no value over my own life, and have already come to the conclusion that my death will likely happen needlessly. Perhaps die at the hands of a would be thief after I refuse to hand them my goods and they stab me or something. Good way to die in my opinion.

But on the other hand I'm terrified of dying. This is due to my lack of belief in faith, in a God, in a heaven. I don't believe in an afterlife (though I do believe in ghosts - Don't ask me to explain them, I can't). The idea of there being nothing when we die scares me a lot, but I can't change the fact that I will die, as will everyone I've ever known.

I don't believe in a lot of things. The latest thing I can't believe in is a happy marriage. I don't think human males are designed to be the sticking around kind. In nature certain animal dads stick around, mate for life maybe, others do the deed then disappear. I think we are more the latter than the former.

I generally hold more regard for animals than I do humans. I think we humans are vermin on the earth, overpopulating, polluting, causing extinction to other creatures. The fact that the world would do better from human extinction tells me we are the evil ones. So I hate people who don't have a shred of compassion towards other animals.

The two things I care about most in the world are my dog Frankie and my nephew Oliver. Both are the only things on this planet that get me generally smiling and forgetting my woes. I'd be lost without either.

I'm not very social, my own fault. I lose contact with friends and make no effect to get back with them. I don't care really, I only feel bad about it because others make me feel bad about it - Make me feel like I'm losing out. I very likely am, but.. I don't know, I just find idle chit-chat and false niceness horrible. Despite this fact, I find I can be a very easy person to like. I know how to make friends very well. I know just by looking at something and talking to them what a minute what they would want in a friend like me. I could be a fucking social friendship queen or some shit but I don't want to. One of the reasons I don't think I want to be social is due to my past friends. The ones I had from like age 9-14. My best friend Tessa, she was like a bitch basically. I was her little lackey. She used to say what we'd do, when we'd do it and how we'd do it. I had no control in my friendship with her and our other friends. I was their sheep, I followed. And it fucking depressed me.

I didn't realise when I was 14 that I was depressed. To be honest, depression wasn't really talked about much in kids then, not where I was anyway, and I was slowly spiraling down that road. I would vision myself jumping in front of vehicles all the time and had no idea why. One night me and my friends were drinking and I was out of control. I downed like a whole bottle of vodka in like 30 minutes, shot after shot. I still don't remember that night, but apparently I got racist, was throwing bottles at them, cried, told them how much I hated them and was generally horrible. I wish I could remember. Anyway, after that our friendship was dented badly. I stopped going to school so much and being chatty with them, even though we still hung out. I was sad, so fucking sad all the time and didn't realise it. Eventually they had enough and told me not to sit with them, so I didn't, and the friendship was over. And a lot of my trust in friendships died there. I was depressed, suicidally on some levels and my friends didn't try to help me, just turned their backs on me like that. It still hurts now, 8 years later.

Anyway, back to the now. One of the reasons I'm sure I am liked is due to my caring for others. Of course I have to know them first a little. I find it hard to feel sympathy for people I don't know, but people I do know? I love to help them. I do everything in my power to make others happy. It's probably selfish really, but their happiness turns into my happiness. I love helping people. No one needs to feel like I do.

In case you don't know I am obese. The only time I was skinny was when I was like 3, from then on I've just got bigger and bigger. Of course I've tried losing weight. I really don't know how to. It doesn't seem to go, and I know it's a terrible excuse but I have a horrible metabolism. I don't actually eat that much. Exercise is likely my let down, but I have no intention of joining a gym and letting people see my sweat only a fucking bike machine. I've toyed with the idea of getting a treadmill when I do move home, but we'll see I suppose.

My sexuality is a big question mark. My eyes wander more to women. It takes a very good looking man to turn my head. I guess I find both sexes attractive, but I'd like to try relationships with both and see how they go. Problem is, I hate relationships. I've turned down the chances for romance more times than I probably do realise. I think until I am more happy about myself I can't be with anyone. Which is downer but I'm just not comfortable having someone special. The fact that my most erotic of dreams has featured women tells me who I'd prefer to have a relationship with.

I'm probably very depressed. If I spoke to my doctor about how I feel all the time, she'd likely dose me up and every anti-depressant going. Sure it's tempting but I don't know. I think I'm just used to it now, as I can't remember when I was ever truly happy.

There are parts of my childhood that stemmed in abuse. I won't go into detail here. I just now realise what a fucked up child I was to want something dirty and wrong, and no doubt that haven't helped my state of mind any.

Anyway;

I have much too much time on my hands and I haunt NG for what feels like every waking moment. Certainly always do at work, and usually most of the time I'm at home. It's bad I know, but I have nothing else.

Why am I sharing so much? Fuck if I know. Just got typing and this is what happened. If anyone reads this, I'll be fucking amazed. Hi there.

So yes Newground Regulars this is me, this is Gagsy. I'm a mess and I feel at home here. Feel free to laugh or cry at me. Neither would surprise me.

Happy posting or not as the case may be.

<3
_______________________

I was low when I wrote that. Better now.

Also I ordered myself a new laptop, it's fucking well nice. Can't wait for it.

I'll save the sender some face by not revealing who they are, though I did take the time to reply back to them and haven't heard anything since off them. I imagine if they continued to think what they did about me they would have replied to my PM and continued the 'debate'. So my reply must have been good and right.

Screenshot of PM below, but bit fuzzy so let me copy/paste here too.

______________________________

"This is just stuff I've had hanging around for a while now.

"No, cause that would be even more Stat Whoring (OMG HYPOCRITICAL OF ME)"

It's not just stat whoring. Although you do do that a lot (you have some pretty useless +1 posts

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/98 2224/204
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/10 47675/2

etc etc)

But the attention whoring. You used to be a person I looked up to. Seriously. Alone in a sea of your opposites, you stood strong and made yourself heard. But now...you (previously had) put random black people in your signature, + your name. You have one of your own quotes in your signature.

You post news posts every 3 days or so, seemingly just to fish for comments.

http://gagsy.newgrounds.com/news/post/
288409

I'm honestly not chewing you out, I'm just saying...

I'm disappoined, Gagsy.

You used to be a person to admire, to look up to.

But now...

What state have you left yourself in?"
______________________________

All I want to say to everyone else is;

I don't post whore, despite popular belief

The 'random black people' in my sig are my favourite band in the world

If you want a fucking hero, find someone else and let me enjoy NG how I want to enjoy NG.

I'm not here to impress or entertain you.

Never have anyway, so why start now?

I'm not anyone to admire

I'm no one to look up to.

Thank you.

<3

I do not mean the symbol
of love, a candy shape
to decorate cakes with,
the heart that is supposed
to belong or break;

I mean this lump of muscle
that contracts like a flayed biceps,
purple-blue, with its skin of suet,
its skin of gristle, this isolate,
this caved hermit, unshelled
turtle, this one lungful of blood,
no happy plateful.

All hearts float in their own
deep oceans of no light,
wetblack and glimmering,
their four mouths gulping like a fish.
Hearts are said to pound:
this is to be expected, the heart's
regular struggle against being drowned.

But most hearts say, I want, I want,
I want, I want. My heart
is more duplicitous,
though no twin as I once thought.
It says I want, I don't want, I
want, and then a pause.
It forces me to listen,

and at night it is the infra-red
third eye that remains open
while the other two are sleeping
but refuses to say what it has seen.

It is a constant pestering
in my ears, a caught moth, limping drum,
a child's fist beating
itself against the bedsprings:
I want, I don't want.
How can one live with such a heart?

Long ago I gave up singing
to it, it will never be satisfied or lulled.
One night I will say to it:
Heart, be still,
and it will.

I've suffered from it twice in the past - Waking up and gasping for oxygen. I'm pretty sure it happened again a few nights ago but I was back alseep so fast that it left my mind until a few days later. As far as I can remember it was far more severe than it was previously. I remember trying to breathe but just couldn't, then I could and I just passed out in sleep I assume.

No I wasn't dreaming, I could recall it too well, recall the feeling of suffocating almost. It's worrying for the future really. Could it happen again and I just don't wake up and I die? I'm thinking that. I think it as I fall asleep and pretty soon I know I'm going to be afraid of sleeping again.

We'll see I guess. Or not if I do die.

Also;

"but leanne-- you can't love people until you love yourself =\ I know it sounds fucking corny or whatever, but it's honestly true."

Yeah I know, I just can't change that.

I fucking hate life. No I'm not about to kill myself, no I'm not going to cut myself or engage in any other type of self abuse.

I just really can't stand life. Living it is horrible, then the dying part is just like adding insult to injury. I don't want to die, it scares me more than anything, but then I'm not enjoying life much either.

I'm 21 yet I live like I'm 80. I can't recall happy childhood memories that I'd wish to tell people, I can't remember when I was last truly happy. Yet, let's say I do live to 80, then I've wasted 1/4, 25% of my life, I have nothing to show for it whatsoever, not even happy memories. I'd truly just living till I die.

Depressed? No. Happy? No. I think I've been whatever I am for so long that it's just second nature to me. When people ask me if I'm depressed, I feel startled then I smile, perhaps give a little believable laugh then say no. When people ask me if I'm happy, I feel startled then I smile, perhaps give a little believable laugh then say yes. The problem is, I don't actually think about the questions as they are being asked, just give the answer that stops more questions, stop advice being given when I don't want it, stop people meddling I suppose.

So yeah I hate change. My dad is nearly bankrupt, mum is in severe debt and he doesn't love her anymore. The most likely scenario there is them selling the house they've lived in for 23 years, then paying off the money they owe, my dad then moving to a flat on his own and then my mum moving in with her mum. My brother Daniel and I who currently still live with them both will obviously have to go too.

Dan is sick of everything (his own words). He knows his girlfriend doesn't love him as much as he loves her, and while she is sick at the moment she is bringing him down too. She doesn't feel motivated to enjoy life where as he's one of the most happy go lucky guys you could meet. He also has like £7000 debt he told me. How I don't know, he got silly it seems. So he wants to declare himself bankrupt, then just get a plane ticket and go to Spain. He just wants to get a bar job or something, and then spend his days off lounging in the sun. Fair enough to him, but that'll just be another crack in this unstable family.

Carl the other brother (the one who had baby Oliver) is currently living with his girlfriend. He's another one getting screwed on money he owes. Thankfully his girlfriend, well fiance is helping him with his finances a lot but whether they make it as a couple is another issue. He'll always be the jealous lover. She can't mention old loves without him losing his cool, but then she is the same about him. My brother seems to have that affect on every girl he's ever dated - They all turn into crazy jealous emotionally charged idiots. I just hope they can last, because if they break up it'll mean trouble for Carl again who'll just spend all his earnings on gambling and also for little Oliver who'll have parents who hate each other.

Then me. What about me. My one concern will be - Not getting rid of the dog no matter what - So then if my parents sell the house I'd no doubt go with my mum to nans place. My nan wouldn't be too thrilled about having a dog there but what else could I do? And it'd kill me, literally kill me not to be living with my dad, but what place is a flat for a dog? And how could I leave my mum when she is the one who doesn't want to split up? I'd be rough for her so she'd need the support. I'm not gonna lie though, I do love my dad more than I love my mum. It doesn't mean that I dislike my mum any (except when she's drunk), just that the love I hold for my dad is that high. Daddies little girl forever. And not seeing him, talking to him everyday would be crushing for me. I did say I hate change, and this is one reason why.

Get my own place? Rent a house with a garden for the dog? I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to afford it and I wouldn't know anymore who I would live with. Friends are few and far between for me. I can't just pick up a phone and see if a mate wants to get a place together.

But then that's my own fault. I chose to have the social life that I do. I chose to stop contacting people and replying to them when they got in contact with me. My own doing. The way I am, I'm an easy person to like. Not because I think I'm so great, but I just seem to have a gift for knowing what people want to hear, how to respond to different people, how to act in different situations with different people. I could and used to be a popular child, a popular teen, then I fell apart, and my three best friends had enough of my seemingly uninterest in everything, they walked away from a friend who was broken, a friend who didn't know she was broken. If I didn't know I was unhappy that much how could they have known? I can't blame them too much, but I can't say it hasn't affected my trust issues, even to this day.

So back then when I was abandoned, I somehow got through my last year of school, head down, I stopped playing up in class so much, but I stopped going in as much at the same time. Got shockingly bad results in my GCSEs (exams). I managed to do a GVNQ course in Sixth Form there though. Very small class, so we all got on, made plans and were friends. But then once I left I stopped keeping in contact, only keep in touch with Yasmin as she usually contacts me, and she's so bubbly and nice that it's hard to want to blow her off. I like being her friend.

Work for a bit, then I decided to go to college, do an animal care course. I only lasted one year - I couldn't keep up with the coursework, I didn't even try to though, and amazingly it never bothered me that I was going to fail. Made a good group of friends there, but once again didn't keep up with them. Me and one of the girls called Claire usually text each other on sundays when we're both working, but that's it. I don't ask to go out with her and them and she doesn't ask me either. Just how it is really.

My main interest currently in life seems to be B/Ping here. I WISH I was making that up. I barely get 5/6 hours sleep a night just because I don't want to miss those points. But then if it wasn't my B/P I'd just be doing the same with posting, which thankfully has gone down, but this is it now. Newgrounds has become my life. Isn't that fucking sad? I hate myself more so just for giving in to this site and it's meaningless stats that I just can't seem to get enough of. I've recently been thinking about requesting a 30 day ban, but I did always despise people who did that though - Thinking that they had no willpower if they needed bans to make them do something they've been putting off, but as I said my posting rate has gone down. It's the B/P rate I'm worried about. Newgrounds is no way the cause of my problems, but my addiction here certainly has hindered any form of recovery I want to make in my personal life.

Love? Furthest thing from my mind. Sex? Romance? Likewise. Of course I get lonely at times, who wouldn't, but I never really felt like I needed a partner. I have fantasies, who doesn't, but I'm used to living in my head so that's where everything remains. I just can't be happy with myself, so I refuse to accept that a partner could be happy with me, even when they say they are. I had a boyfriend who loved me, and I was sure that I loved him, I just couldn't feel anything for him when we hugged and kissed. Even when he looked at me with a big sloppy grin and eyes wet with emotion I couldn't feel it. So I broke it off, it would have been wrong to string him along, and I just knew that my feelings wouldn't change. Besides him, every single guy who has asked me out I've said no to, and considering how grotesque I am that number isn't too shabby. Once again, like when people ask me if I'm happy, I don't consider the question, I just give the answer. I say no to them, and don't think more about it. I guess I just know that they could do better than me. Who'd want me? I wouldn't.

I'm horribly fat. No new news there, but still it's there. Never going, no matter how much I've tried in the past. I will try again, but I make no promises to myself. I just can't seem to lose any weight. And this really is the stem of a lot of my personal issues. I feel that if I lose weight, I can be happier with myself, and be more outgoing, so I could be more social, I could have myself some passion, be a genuinely happy person, but it's just about getting over that hurdle, I can't do it.

I'll probably die a lonely horrible person. I have this one shot of life and I'm completely blowing it, blown it I'd go as far to say. Most people look back on their teens, early adulthood as their happiest times but I still have nothing to show, and I can't go back in time. It does make the future look even bleaker for me.

So no money, no unite family, no friends, no love, no happiness.

Good fucking job there Leanne.

And I shall tell no lies.

One question per user, no alts allowed.

Let's see if I can deal with it or whether one of you gets the best of me and asks me something that I won't answer.

All answers will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but truth.

One day, don't know when, just know that one day I won't come to Newgrounds anymore (obviously), and I'm sure when that day comes, the day that I'm no longer depositing, no longer posting, no longer caring, no longer here, I will regret all the time that I've spent on here -

Time I could have used much more wisely. I could have studied properly in college for example and still be there, instead of dropping out because I didn't do my assignments; Time I could have put into getting fit, into socialising more, learning an instrument, spending more time with the people I love, the list could really be endless.

So yes when that day comes and I start to regret the wasted time, I know I'll have one thing that Newgrounds gave me that made it all worth it, and that is my friendship with Mechabloby. I can't praise him enough really so I won't start, I probably couldn't love and care for him more either. People always look down on internet socialising, it really isn't ideal, I agree, but never in my 21 years have I met or will I meet a better friend than I've found here online in Mechabloby.

Oliver, you're worth all this wasted time. Now fuck up my lovely blog with a sarcastic joke you tit <3

Also;

I'D NEED TO BE REALLY FUCKING DRUNK.