It just finally clicked with me that this could be a concern for my health.

I assume that I just end up sleeping on my hands and this causes them to numb up but I don't know.

Has anyone else ever had something like that? I used to get it near enough often, a few times a week then nothing for ages then all of a sudden last night I got it like 3 times.

My little left finger seems to get it the most, and when it happens I literally can't feel a thing in the finger, I actually wonder if it could break and I wouldn't feel the pain of it. Then I try to move the fingers to rid the numbness and it seems to take a while with my fingers uselessly flapping down. Then pins and needles comes and eventually they are fine.

I don't know though, should I be concerned? Should I try not sleeping on my stomach? Though I do sleep on sides half the time anyway.

It's very strange.

Let me first say, a lot of you are wrong in HOW you judge Twilight. I myself was one of them. I even went as far to tell someone (before I watched it) that Twilight was shit and they rightly said to me "How do you know if you've never seen it?". He was right completely. I called Twilight shit because of Newgrounds. I hadn't even heard of the series before until there were new topics on the film/fangirls like everyday, so I discovered that Twilight was some shitty book about a vampire turned into a shitty film about a vampire.

Wrong.

Twilight is first and foremost a teenage romance novel. The vampire twist is just what makes it different from your typical 'boy meets girl' story.

When I realised that I was completely wrong to judge this series as a vampire story that's when I started to like Twilight. 9 times out of 10 a vampire story is a horror. This isn't a horror, it's romance. So you simply cannot compare it with the great vampires of our filming generation, because it isn't tying to be that, not at all.

Sure, Edward is not a 'real' vampire (as real as the other fake things anyway). There is no law though that says that a writer cannot take a concept and build from there. It happens all the time, and there is nothing wrong with how Stephenie Meyer did it. Like all of you I do prefer my vampires to be brooding angry blood suckers (See Christoper Lee & Buffy series) who burn in the sun instead of just sparkling like dear Edward, but at the same time there is nothing wrong with that. If people really find this as a reason to dislike Twilight then they should get pissed everytime they read a story involving a human who has super powers. It's the exact same thing. It's taking an idea and then adding details to make the character different. So Meyer took the idea of a vampire, made it sparkle and run like the wind and everyone gets pissed. Other writers take the idea of a human, add inhuman strength and a hard childhood and bravo we have a new superhero to admire.

It's called writing. Get over it.

And another thing, so I hear the books are poorly written, well I actually intend to read the book myself now and see, but even if it is kind of basic, so what? Any book that gets kids reading (Harry Potter as a big example) is a good book. It's amazing to see kids interested in reading, so who cares if she's lacking in the proverbs department or something. It's the story that gets people interested not the writing.

If you're just pissed off with Twilight because of the fangirls well I can hardly blame you for that, but there are fangirls/boys for everything. These Twilight freak fans are no worse then HP fangirls (I'm one fo sho), and even your nerdy Trek fans or Stargate fans, whatever. Sure girls are more highpitched and jumpy and appear more annoying then nerd fans but they all love their series the same.

The only bit I really thought was stupid (besides the sparkling vampire) was when Bella was in hospital, Edward said he should leave and she was all like nearly crying, looking mad "No you can't leave me, I need you!". It was a bit well totally fucking posessive and surely even a vampire would be weirded out by it. After all, this is a guy who nearly killed her by drinking her blood for too long. Most girls would be happy for a little space.

So yes, I intended to make this short but I guess I got carried away.

So lets;

Tl;dr: Stop calling something shit BEFORE you've even seen it. You cannot judge a book by it's cover and even more you cannot judge something based on the opinion of other people who are brooding like vampires. Twilight IS a teenage romance novel first, it is NOT trying to be a vampire horror, which is what the brooding fuckers keep forgetting. Stephenie Meyers is allowed to create whatever she wants in fiction, even if it's not the typical type of creatures we're used to seeing, that's because the typical type of vampire isn't usually a 17 year old male in love with a human. If you want to hate on Twilight, then read/watch it first then think about it from a teenage girls point of view (that is who the books are reaching out for after all), then see if it's as shit as you think.

PS: My Tl;dr: is too long. Just stop fucking moaning about something you've not read/watched ok.

BRB, buying the book.

I'm acting.

BBL.

I support Nick Griffin HURRPA DURRPA.

Like my mind.

Well I'm pretty convinced I am.

See for a while now I've had this fear of sleeping - which is a shame as sleep is lovely - but yes, I don't like going to sleep because every night I do I'm concerned that I will die in my sleep.

Which scares the shit out of me.

It's not just the fear of dying, but the fear of dying in my sleep. Why? Because to me, there is not much scarier then the idea of just dying, not realising that it's going to happen. This has a lot to do with the fact that I don't believe in an after life, so to me the last moment I have in my life will really be my last ever moment anywhere, so if I do die when I'm asleep I won't even know, and that's scary. I want to know so that I can make the most of my last moments, like cherishing my family one last time, just to appreicate the world before it goes from me.

Why would I die in my sleep? I've mentioned this before, but I suffer from sleep apnea. I hadn't had it for a while, not until last night again. I had trouble sleeping to begin with last night, then I dropped off, then next thing I know is I'm rising myself from my bed and gasping for precious air. I can recall that feeling so well of my throat being closed, of myself convinced that it was all ending just trying, trying to breathe. It's a very scary thing to go through.

Of course I did eventually breathe, then I tried to settle myself down and got back into an uneven sleep. Needless to say I got up a few hours later for work no problem, and here I am. One problem is I'm very much more aware of my breathing now. It's like when someone does those stupid facts, where one of them is "You're now aware that you're breathing and doing it manually" or something similiar. Well yeah, I'm very aware of my whole throat area and while I know I'm fine, it doesn't feel right at the same time.

Also, the sufferers of sleep apnea are rarely aware that they are skipping breaths, so how often am I really doing this?

Of course I could go to my doctor but she'll just weigh me and be all "You need to lose weight". Yeah no shit. Preaching to the choir here love. That there is an on going battle with my body and soul, one I fear that I'm destined to lose. But enough about that.

So I think I'm going to die soon.

k bye

It's something I've slowly been realising -

I don't seem to want to connect with people socially, whenever I do it feels forced, I feel uncomfortable, be it real life, or online, I just don't feel the need to try anymore.

I'm self-aware when I talk to others. I can pose as the ideal friend, as a funny pal, or a chatty person, but really I'm not. I force myself so I don't appear like an outsider, a loser or whatever.

Why is it that I'm happiest on my own?

The presence of anyone seems to get my back up. Be it at home, at work, or out and about. I don't like crossing paths with people, I don't like the continuous chatter and laughter of others. I'm bitter about it, perhaps it is jealousy, that these people can co-exist happily without any tell-tale signs of them loathing one another. This is why I can't leave my house without my iphone or mp3 player on me. The sounds of life going around me seems to anger me.

Looking back, I don't know when I've ever enjoyed the company of others, even when I was young I had loads of friends, but even surrounded by others I was alone. The loner in a group of giggling girls.

It's easy to force a smile, to fake a laugh to role play friendships.

It's probably a reason to that I've allowed friendships to dissolve, and that when I had made some effect to keep up with people it's just for the benefit of my parents, so that they don't constantly worry about me and if I'm missing out on life.

Of course I'm missing out on life, but I don't seem to regret that. I regret others and their carelessly easy ways of liking and wanting social interaction. This is why I seem content to just have idle chit-chat with people online, when I feel the need of a little talk. Never does the need last long though. Even with my best buddy I feel it becoming a strain to keep up interest. Which is really a shame as I'd hate to hurt him and I doubt he'd understand this.

Intimacy is something else I don't get. I can't even accept hugs or being touched gently without some kind of inner senor in me going off. I'm very sensitive to touch as it is. A slight brush of a hand on my shoulder could send my whole back tingling. That's likely a sign that I'm yearning to be touched more, yet I can't help but fear it at the same time.

My future is looking more and more likely of being a mad obese dog lady.

I'll keep Newgrounds posted of course.

When the General Regulars Lounge (lol) was still open, I decided to add to it properly, even though it's demise would always on the horizon. I got typing about myself and didn't stop. A lot of what I put most people on here may know about anyway, but if you want the scoop on my life and have the patience to read a load of waffle then here you go. This was my exact post in the thread;
______________________________________
___

sigh

Hello there I am Gagsy, my name is Leanne. Yes, I really am a girl, or a mockery of one anyway. I am 22 years old. I still live at home with my folks, too expensive too move out. I have a semi dead end job, that I dislike with a passion but I'm fucking excellent at it. Tedious to say the least.

You may know me as a post/stat whore. I guess I am somewhat, even though my posting habit has died down a lot. This is likely due to my continuous usage of the Stickam chatrooms. Which I find a better way to chat with Newgrounders.

My parents are getting divorced. My father has a girlfriend and hes cheated on my mum more times than I'd like to know. He went from being my idol and real life hero to a man I can't even look at. Not just due to him cheating on my mother, he has said some horrible things to me that has dented my already fragile state of mind. I won't bore with the details.

I'm very pessimistic on my own outlook but horribly positive for everyone else. I hold no value over my own life, and have already come to the conclusion that my death will likely happen needlessly. Perhaps die at the hands of a would be thief after I refuse to hand them my goods and they stab me or something. Good way to die in my opinion.

But on the other hand I'm terrified of dying. This is due to my lack of belief in faith, in a God, in a heaven. I don't believe in an afterlife (though I do believe in ghosts - Don't ask me to explain them, I can't). The idea of there being nothing when we die scares me a lot, but I can't change the fact that I will die, as will everyone I've ever known.

I don't believe in a lot of things. The latest thing I can't believe in is a happy marriage. I don't think human males are designed to be the sticking around kind. In nature certain animal dads stick around, mate for life maybe, others do the deed then disappear. I think we are more the latter than the former.

I generally hold more regard for animals than I do humans. I think we humans are vermin on the earth, overpopulating, polluting, causing extinction to other creatures. The fact that the world would do better from human extinction tells me we are the evil ones. So I hate people who don't have a shred of compassion towards other animals.

The two things I care about most in the world are my dog Frankie and my nephew Oliver. Both are the only things on this planet that get me generally smiling and forgetting my woes. I'd be lost without either.

I'm not very social, my own fault. I lose contact with friends and make no effect to get back with them. I don't care really, I only feel bad about it because others make me feel bad about it - Make me feel like I'm losing out. I very likely am, but.. I don't know, I just find idle chit-chat and false niceness horrible. Despite this fact, I find I can be a very easy person to like. I know how to make friends very well. I know just by looking at something and talking to them what a minute what they would want in a friend like me. I could be a fucking social friendship queen or some shit but I don't want to. One of the reasons I don't think I want to be social is due to my past friends. The ones I had from like age 9-14. My best friend Tessa, she was like a bitch basically. I was her little lackey. She used to say what we'd do, when we'd do it and how we'd do it. I had no control in my friendship with her and our other friends. I was their sheep, I followed. And it fucking depressed me.

I didn't realise when I was 14 that I was depressed. To be honest, depression wasn't really talked about much in kids then, not where I was anyway, and I was slowly spiraling down that road. I would vision myself jumping in front of vehicles all the time and had no idea why. One night me and my friends were drinking and I was out of control. I downed like a whole bottle of vodka in like 30 minutes, shot after shot. I still don't remember that night, but apparently I got racist, was throwing bottles at them, cried, told them how much I hated them and was generally horrible. I wish I could remember. Anyway, after that our friendship was dented badly. I stopped going to school so much and being chatty with them, even though we still hung out. I was sad, so fucking sad all the time and didn't realise it. Eventually they had enough and told me not to sit with them, so I didn't, and the friendship was over. And a lot of my trust in friendships died there. I was depressed, suicidally on some levels and my friends didn't try to help me, just turned their backs on me like that. It still hurts now, 8 years later.

Anyway, back to the now. One of the reasons I'm sure I am liked is due to my caring for others. Of course I have to know them first a little. I find it hard to feel sympathy for people I don't know, but people I do know? I love to help them. I do everything in my power to make others happy. It's probably selfish really, but their happiness turns into my happiness. I love helping people. No one needs to feel like I do.

In case you don't know I am obese. The only time I was skinny was when I was like 3, from then on I've just got bigger and bigger. Of course I've tried losing weight. I really don't know how to. It doesn't seem to go, and I know it's a terrible excuse but I have a horrible metabolism. I don't actually eat that much. Exercise is likely my let down, but I have no intention of joining a gym and letting people see my sweat only a fucking bike machine. I've toyed with the idea of getting a treadmill when I do move home, but we'll see I suppose.

My sexuality is a big question mark. My eyes wander more to women. It takes a very good looking man to turn my head. I guess I find both sexes attractive, but I'd like to try relationships with both and see how they go. Problem is, I hate relationships. I've turned down the chances for romance more times than I probably do realise. I think until I am more happy about myself I can't be with anyone. Which is downer but I'm just not comfortable having someone special. The fact that my most erotic of dreams has featured women tells me who I'd prefer to have a relationship with.

I'm probably very depressed. If I spoke to my doctor about how I feel all the time, she'd likely dose me up and every anti-depressant going. Sure it's tempting but I don't know. I think I'm just used to it now, as I can't remember when I was ever truly happy.

There are parts of my childhood that stemmed in abuse. I won't go into detail here. I just now realise what a fucked up child I was to want something dirty and wrong, and no doubt that haven't helped my state of mind any.

Anyway;

I have much too much time on my hands and I haunt NG for what feels like every waking moment. Certainly always do at work, and usually most of the time I'm at home. It's bad I know, but I have nothing else.

Why am I sharing so much? Fuck if I know. Just got typing and this is what happened. If anyone reads this, I'll be fucking amazed. Hi there.

So yes Newground Regulars this is me, this is Gagsy. I'm a mess and I feel at home here. Feel free to laugh or cry at me. Neither would surprise me.

Happy posting or not as the case may be.

<3
_______________________

I was low when I wrote that. Better now.

Also I ordered myself a new laptop, it's fucking well nice. Can't wait for it.

I'll save the sender some face by not revealing who they are, though I did take the time to reply back to them and haven't heard anything since off them. I imagine if they continued to think what they did about me they would have replied to my PM and continued the 'debate'. So my reply must have been good and right.

Screenshot of PM below, but bit fuzzy so let me copy/paste here too.

______________________________

"This is just stuff I've had hanging around for a while now.

"No, cause that would be even more Stat Whoring (OMG HYPOCRITICAL OF ME)"

It's not just stat whoring. Although you do do that a lot (you have some pretty useless +1 posts

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/98 2224/204
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/10 47675/2

etc etc)

But the attention whoring. You used to be a person I looked up to. Seriously. Alone in a sea of your opposites, you stood strong and made yourself heard. But now...you (previously had) put random black people in your signature, + your name. You have one of your own quotes in your signature.

You post news posts every 3 days or so, seemingly just to fish for comments.

http://gagsy.newgrounds.com/news/post/
288409

I'm honestly not chewing you out, I'm just saying...

I'm disappoined, Gagsy.

You used to be a person to admire, to look up to.

But now...

What state have you left yourself in?"
______________________________

All I want to say to everyone else is;

I don't post whore, despite popular belief

The 'random black people' in my sig are my favourite band in the world

If you want a fucking hero, find someone else and let me enjoy NG how I want to enjoy NG.

I'm not here to impress or entertain you.

Never have anyway, so why start now?

I'm not anyone to admire

I'm no one to look up to.

Thank you.

<3

I do not mean the symbol
of love, a candy shape
to decorate cakes with,
the heart that is supposed
to belong or break;

I mean this lump of muscle
that contracts like a flayed biceps,
purple-blue, with its skin of suet,
its skin of gristle, this isolate,
this caved hermit, unshelled
turtle, this one lungful of blood,
no happy plateful.

All hearts float in their own
deep oceans of no light,
wetblack and glimmering,
their four mouths gulping like a fish.
Hearts are said to pound:
this is to be expected, the heart's
regular struggle against being drowned.

But most hearts say, I want, I want,
I want, I want. My heart
is more duplicitous,
though no twin as I once thought.
It says I want, I don't want, I
want, and then a pause.
It forces me to listen,

and at night it is the infra-red
third eye that remains open
while the other two are sleeping
but refuses to say what it has seen.

It is a constant pestering
in my ears, a caught moth, limping drum,
a child's fist beating
itself against the bedsprings:
I want, I don't want.
How can one live with such a heart?

Long ago I gave up singing
to it, it will never be satisfied or lulled.
One night I will say to it:
Heart, be still,
and it will.